We need to do better....

Last night, just like every other individual invested in the news of our nation, I watched as the verdict Officer Wilson's fate was revealed: not indicted. And, just as predicted by my husband, the chaos of the situation bred rioting on a barbaric level. Fires to police vehicles, tear gas in the streets, and the looting of the very convenience store where Michael Brown had swiped cigarillos prior to his demise.

I'm not siding with either side here. Yes, the police are trained to uphold the law and knowing quite a few individuals who are officers, I will not speak ill of them. I will also not speak ill of Michael Brown. Why? Because I wasn't there. I don't know what really happened and I don't think we ever will. That's a story that only Michael Brown and Officer Wilson know. (And one is dead, so we'll never really know the full story.)

What we can learn from this incident: we need to do better. There should be better surveillance of police, because if this was an issue where the officer did wrong, then let the evidence speak. Hearsay isn't going to do us any good. It has been proven in other instances that having video surveillance proves foul play, and police officers have lost their jobs for lying when the video shows them not performing their duty properly. 

And as people....again, we need to do better. It would be different if Michael Brown was stealing something like a loaf of bread to feed his family, but that's not the case here. He stole, there was an altercation, and whether or not he was right or wrong is not the issue: both sides were at fault and a heavy price was paid. 

But did the town need to pay that price too? What does rioting accomplish? It proves that we haven't learned yet. That we still want to burn the world. That we're still a fledgling nation that throws a temper tantrum over a verdict we don't agree with. We need to grow up. I know it's a hard thing to do, but we need to prove that we can be mature about this. There will probably be a civil trial....so let's get there next. It's not right that someone died, it's not right if there was foul play, but it is what it is. It happened....and we can't let everything fall apart because of it. 

We're better individuals than this. We don't burn our buildings down. We don't throw things at those trying to keep us safe and uphold the law....which is their job. And we certainly don't give anyone motive to take action. We peacefully share our disappointment and look for another way to make sure justice is served. I know that doesn't sound very logical....but is it logical to loot and burn things just because we're outraged?

~ Jenny Rockstar

A new chapter....

At times, it feels surreal....the idea that I am finally married to Matt (and have been for the past few weeks.) 

And other times....like most of the time, I feel like we've been together so long that our wedding was merely a formality to express the seriousness of our bond and the love we have for one another.

Everything felt perfect. I felt so beautiful and overwhelmed with the love and support of everyone who came to our wedding. And especially the music was perfect...how could it not be?

And now? The best part is getting back to just sharing our lives each and every day. Waking up with him, cooking dinner at night, watching our favorite television shows, finding the simplest ways to remind one another that we love each other. 

With that said, today I finally got to finishing up the clean-up of all our wedding stuff and tomorrow, preparing to create our Thank You cards for everyone who sent us a gift and/or came to the wedding. But at the moment, with Matt playing a show tonight, I enjoy the cool breeze through the house, the smell of clean sheets, new music on my iTunes, and the chance to finally break my writer's block. 

Marrying Matt is one of the many great decisions I made in my life. I'm tired of thinking of the mistakes, especially the ones that I've learned and grown from. I hold their lesson, but their memory doesn't need to haunt me. I have plenty of wonderful memories to show that I have at least an idea of how I can continually improve. (And trust me, losing a few of those memories is okay with me.)

I'm embracing this new chapter. One where I get to have my happily ever after....with a little work and compromise. This is our time now. Matt and I have made over 6.5 years worth of memories to start the journey. Let's make a few more to go with them. More pictures to hang on our wall, more trinkets from moments captured, more smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses, more footprints along the path. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

A little reflection....and dorkiness....

There are times within the madness of life, I choose to find solace.

Not always an easy task, especially with wedding plans taking over what is normally a peaceful summer, but it's manageable. I know Matt also tries to adhere to this mantra, pushing for relaxation at every little nook and cranny possible. 

And especially today, with J. Mascis in my earbuds, a cloudy day, and a sense of accomplishment from yesterday's wedding adventure, I find the solace in life. In less than 10 weeks, my life is going to change in a huge way. Well, not as huge if Matt and I didn't live together, but we're taking that next step. 

My last name is going to change. A name I have had for 30 years now. And before I know it, even that will change. The new chapter begins. And with it, even more purpose to strive for what I believe in.

After Kyle, I felt so lost and broken. I thought my heart would never mend, that I would forever be longing for someone and I wouldn't find someone to share my life with. When Matt came into the picture, he managed to give me time.

Time to put myself back together, quietly encouraging me to be me. Time to smile and compliment, patiently and methodically putting a smile on my face at every turn. Time to show me how a man truly loves.

I felt like a whole person before him, he just enhances that completeness in ways that at times I still try to understand. But I guess it's okay to not understand everything all at once. I'm sure the pieces will continue to fit together as our story unravels, little by little, this journey that we take together.

~Jenny Rockstar

a tale of many buttons....

There's this one bag that I own, one I have had for over ten years now....and it is FILLED with nothing but buttons and two patches.

It's nothing special, the bag. It was a Gap clearance item that I knew I needed to have, one that I purchased while I was with my bitta bunny (aka best friend) Vicki. Yes, we have a fun nickname, a memory of how we really cemented our friendship.

But since then, I started purchasing and collecting buttons along the way. Some of bands/shows I went to see/watched, others funny phrases that always put a smile on my face. Even some that made no sense whatsoever, yet I just thought they were cool to begin with (and probably free). Each one found a place on that bag. And when I started feeling there wasn't enough room on the front, I started around the strap next. Over time, the buttons got what I refer to as 'character'....scuff marks and weathered edges from years of running in the rain and bumping into animate (and inanimate) objects. I brought that bag everywhere. 

And for a while, I didn't add anything, allowing the bag to sit in my closet....until I went to Comic Con a couple weeks ago and proceeded to buy a whole slew of buttons! I wanted to refresh my collection a little with some of the new adventures in my life. New (old) bands I started listening to, movies that resonate with my personality, nostalgic pins of my childhood favorites. 

Today, when I finally had the chance to update the bag, I set to work on rearranging my masterpiece....and learned a little more about myself. The girl who bought this bag had ambition, had drive, and was ready to take on the world as a serious writer. The buttons serving as bookmarks in a life that I had hoped to create for myself.

In ways, I still am that same person, even if it's through different avenues than I had originally anticipated. That bag carried my books to class (a lot of them literature and journalism textbooks), was dragged to concerts, festivals, and various outings where the atmosphere left a little piece of itself. It saw both coasts, several road trips, and several floors when I would put it down. 

This bag and all its "memories" remind me that while it's important to look forward, it's also important to look back at those very things that ground you....and keep them in your life. But only the important things. Otherwise, you'll spend way too much time focusing on what has been and not enough to change the now into what you want. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

P.S. - I totally made a hook for my bag to hang on by my bed now....just a reminder. 

and sometimes....

Sometimes, I just need to be alone.

I need to think. I need to regroup. I need time away from everyone and everything, even those who mean the most to me.

I feel stress just creeping in and I'm ready to snap. And nothing has been able to calm it. 

I've had enough of holding on when all I want to do is let go of the reigns....

and the rest is Blogger silence....

While I consider my life one musically-induced haze of awesome, I can appreciate the silence from time to time. Well, not complete quiet, as I will probably have my headphones on the majority of the time, but the silence in not always writing everything down.

I do love to write and it is such an integral part of who I am, but as Matt reminds me, sometimes you just need to retain memories without feeling the need to document them. I'm not always a fan of that, as I love a good picture and sometimes my hand can't help but instinctively grab for the pen and notebook I always keep in my purse, but I can see his point.

So I tried to shut down for a few days. I needed to, the stress of wedding plans and work starting to wear on me a little bit to the point where just needing "us" time with Matt was a necessity. It's nice to remember that on occasion, we take the time for just the two of us, whether it be bonding over dinner, watching a movie, or even just talking about life. 

And while Matt slept (and before I could shut my brain off for the night), I plugged in my headphones and just mindlessly listened to my iPod, not focusing on any one artist or thing, simply cleaning the house and indulging in homemade iced tea while unwinding. The funny thing is, when there is no agenda, I dance more, I rock a mean air-guitar, and my appreciation for music increases on an exponential level. 

(But for those who must know, I totally rocked out to my friend Jeff's band Breaking Up a Monologue while those dishes were being washed....sometimes even divulging into my more personal collection of music is necessary too....and therapeutic.)

~ Jenny Rockstar 

the simplest words have the most meaning....

Sometimes....all it takes is a simple act of kindness to turn the day around.

I started the morning a little frazzled, upset, and shaken up. Details need not apply here, but the morning, for lack of a better word - sucked. I felt unsure of myself and not sure of what was going to happen. 

When the mail came to our office, I saw that a card had my name on it...which is something that is not considered a normality. Yet curiosity got the better of me and I opened the card....a client and his wife wrote me the sweetest note, letting me know how kind and helpful I had been and thanking me for my care to the client's case. If I didn't cry upon receipt of the card, I definitely had a few tears from reading the note inside!

We tend to forget the small acts of kindness mean something. Everyone's all about big, grandiose gestures and doing everything over the top. Is it not testament that Matt's proposal, as simple as it was, moved me to tears for weeks afterward? Or the beauty in the scenery around me? Or even something as simple as a card with a few kind words tucked away inside can make what seems to be a bad day into a pretty amazing one?

Words are powerful, especially ones that have meaning. And all it takes is a few good ones (or bad ones) to affect a mood. Luckily, the former came to my aid today.

And so my words to all of you today: thank you for being wonderful. For new friendships growing, for old friendships sustaining, for family being ever-present, and for all the love/laughter/happiness/tears/life being what keeps us going strong.

Thank you.

~ Jenny Rockstar

thoughts of citronella...

I love the way that right now, my house smells faintly of the smoke from our fire pit. Any time that Matt and I can find reason to have a fire out back either just the two of us or with friends, it's a reason to be happy.

And that smell, the one of citronella and tree bark? It's a perfect combination, soothing to the soul. Tonight, we had a chance to spend time with our friends, Nichole and Dave. While I love hanging out with everyone after shows, sometimes having the opportunity to hang out on a non-gig day is very rewarding. With good food, good company, and good music to complete the scene....awesome weekend.

I'm ready to climb back up to the top and jump off again. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

my fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown....

Another beautiful morning with my iced coffee and a calm unlike any other I have experienced before...for those who knock the Jersey Shore and all its beauty, you don't know what you're missing.

While on a Johnny Rivers and Rod Stewart kick this morning, I thought about scars - we all have them. Whether they're small or healed, raw & gaping still, or internal (one that I know all about), we have them. And this morning, I thought about my scars.

I know that sometimes my sincerity comes off as being fake, but that's it...what you see is what you get with me. I find being nice is important and sometimes...being a bitch gets the point across. Nobody should assume they know me. I'm nice, but I've taken my licks and I've gotten back up more times than most people in my life know. I've seen the "bottom" and crawled my way back up, no matter how daunting the task seemed. It's been brutal, troublesome, exhausting, rough....

And look at me now, I made it here. 

I'm tired of looking at my scars and reflecting on them all the time. This was the first morning in a long while where I just sat outside, headphones carefully secured, another iced coffee ready for consumption...and I breathed in the air around me. I felt the pain leave, the insecurity disperse, and my heart felt light. The wind rustled the trees in admiration, the birds chirped approval, my thoughts stopped feeling so dark and instead continued to focus on the beauty. It felt....glorious.

I will always have those moments that define who I am and I will remember them (and reflect from time to time), but I can't live in their shadow anymore. It's exhausting beating a dead horse. I have bigger things to worry about and those things are part of something beautiful...and exhilarating. A new chapter in my journey. I'm ready to leave the old ones behind me, as far behind me as I can. 

I don't expect everyone to understand....but I'm glad that I finally do. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely...

Occasionally, simplicity does have its moments. 

When all I want to do is jump higher, reach farther, and exceed my expectations, I cannot forget those instances in which enjoying a minor, easy thing is needed.

This morning, after a long day of yardwork and cleaning the night before, I found myself outside with a cold glass of freshly brewed iced coffee, my headphones, and a notebook to get my thoughts down. It was sunny, shady in my little nook under the umbrella, and cool enough to lounge in my pajamas across two chairs. 

The air sweet with the scent of freshly-bloomed flowers, birds chirping in the distance, and a backyard lush and green beyond my wildest dreams. And my iPod seemed to understand this, because just about every song that came out of on the shuffle was mellow and soothing to fit the mood. 

I love the way music can adjust itself to fit the mood - whether it be loud and energetic, mellow and calming, melancholy and heart-wrenching, or fun and meaningless. Music has a personality all its own...and I am grateful that it's such an integral part of my life.

While Matt did join me later outside with guitar in hand and some grilling for lunch, this morning was mine and mine alone. Even a rockstar needs some time outside of the spotlight, you know. Sometimes, in those moments of self-reflection, I seem to find myself again. We all need those moments, even those (like me) who crave to be around others all the time. 

You need the simplicity of alone time to just be...whatever you need to be.

Jenn's Mellow Morning Playlist:

1) Turn Away - Beck
2) Happy Time - Tim Buckley
3) High - James Blunt
4) Summer Nights - Chalk & Numbers
5) Falling - Richard Marx

~ Jenny Rockstar