The Strength of a Rockstar....

Sometimes, when I think about my mother, I become conflicted.

Everyone has a mother, yet I don't care to acknowledge mine. Some may see that as me being a horrible person, but I see it as being a person who was scarred again and again...and not wanting to take it anymore.

My mom wasn't always this way. At one point she helped me fight my battles, kissed my boo-boos, and gave me the love that I had craved as a child. But every once in a while, I caught a glimpse of a woman that simmered beneath the surface, who allowed her dark side to come out and rear its ugly head to her own children.

I tried my best to please her. When she asked for something and I delivered, I barely got an acknowledgement of any "good job" that I might have done. Yet, when I couldn't complete something (chalk it up to being a child), I'd get the coldest shoulder. I'd be made to feel like I was worth nothing. And for those who understand how it feels when a parent makes you feel like nothing, it's the worst feeling one can even imagine.

My mother was never physical, merely a slave to the words that she would spit at me from time to time. Useless being the top contender. I'm surprised that with all the times she would call me that, I still have a big heart and a need to share my love with others. I have to thank my father for always wiping away the tears and reminding me that I wasn't useless, I was priceless. 

It wasn't until college that I learned she suffered from bipolar disorder. For so many years she had gone undiagnosed....and it was scary....you know, scary is an understatement. I don't think there's a word to describe the fear that I had of my own parent. She was unpredictable and unaware of the damage she had done. Breaking up our family, destroying my brother's promising career in the Air Force, and trying to destroy whatever sense of happiness I may have had while I tried to thrive in college. It was never enough for her being miserable, everyone else needed to suffer with her. 

After my sophomore year of college ended, rock bottom was reached. Earlier in that year, I had told her to leave me alone. I could not take her continually pushing me to the point of tears, making me feel inadequate because I was trying to make something of myself at college and she was mourning the loss of everything she never had. I couldn't call her enough, I couldn't do enough for her, and in turn I took the brunt of her pain. I cried myself to sleep quite a few nights, knowing that I couldn't be more than myself. Luckily, I had some amazing friends who helped me pick up the pieces when I tried to retreat into myself. 

But in her trying to "respect" my wishes, the mail never ceased, the phone calls came attached with "dire emergency" stipulations (that she put herself into), and even having to answer questions so cruel and painful to someone else that I can't even say them aloud without crying. My mother had found yet another way to try and break me....and she almost succeeded.

I was tired of trying. Tired of giving her the satisfaction that she could do whatever she wanted to me. And very few of my friends understood that. I had to "honor" and "forgive" my mother for all her shortcomings, for every hurtful thing she threw at me. Tell me, how do you forgive someone who forces you to have to attend therapy? How do you forgive someone who tells such horrible lies about your family in an effort to selfishly better themself? How do you forgive a person who you're supposed to trust and love because they brought you into the world, when all they consider you to be when you don't deliver what they want....is useless?

And even years later, after all of that, I tried to make my peace with her, thinking she had changed....and yet again finding myself let down.

I'm grateful that I had mother figures in my life, because they have proven to me that I didn't need a mother to make it through. I just needed guidance from time to time. And where my mother couldn't be there, I had the best dad a girl could ask for. 

And still, after all these years, I forgive my mother....but I won't forget. It's my time to live and get married and start my own family. I can't be living in my past anymore and I refuse to try making sense of it all. Matt deserves better, I deserve better. 

I've written letters I will never send, imagined memories that will never happen, and I'm ok with how my life turned out. Matt sees me as strong, sometimes I'm not sure that I am as strong as he believes. But if he thinks I am, then I'll do my damnedest to prove that he's right. Not just for him, but for me. 

I am more than my darkness. 

It's time I shed some light.

~Jenny Rockstar

appreciation....it's not just a one-time thing....

I'm a victim of a stressful job.

I think we all are at times....and especially this week, I feel like I am ready for it all to be done and for the weekend to start. It's not that I don't like my job. It's just at times, it tests me and pushes me beyond limits that I am comfortable with. Or more like the individuals that call in and deal with push me.

But with today, just like any other day, I work hard in doing one simple thing when life stresses you out....I appreciate the simple things.

How differently would my day have been without the nice gentleman who held the door open for me (when in his condition, I should have been the one holding it for him)?

Or the polite phone calls with the "how are you doing today?" and "have a great day" attached to their meaning?

What about the idle chit-chat with the teller at the bank when I had to make a deposit for work? 

Or the sweet smell to the air as I drove to and from work, lulled by my favorite radio station starting my morning off with Journey, ending it with The Beatles?

In those daily moments of stress, the details become imperative. Those moments of sheet simplicity where you can't help but stop and smile at their minor interjection, then their fade into the background. 

Even now, as I sit outside with my laptop, determined to enjoy a beautiful ending to a glorious May evening, I feel grateful that amid the chaos, I find the solace. I may even add a glass of red wine and a slice of cheesecake to assist in mulling over this glorious day. 

It's in the breeze rustling the trees, my iPod playing another one of my favorite songs, the birds chirping in synchronicity. It's in everything around me that sometimes I forget exists....

but on a day like today, I choose to listen and give thanks that I can enjoy these moments. 

Jenn's Appreciation Playlist:

1) Thank You - Led Zeppelin
2) Brand New Key - Melanie
3) Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles
4) Me and Julio - Simon & Garfunkel
5) Don't Stop Believing - Journey
6) I'll Be Waiting - Lenny Kravitz
7) Gold On The Ceiling - The Black Keys
8) Air - Ben Folds Five

~Jenny Rockstar 

a lesson in perception....

I know I talk about him a lot but I can't help it.....

I love watching Matt perform.

There's something about watching him pick up his guitar or get behind a keyboard, and sing. He always has this little smile on his face, one that seems to be reserved for doing the thing that he loves the most. 

Tonight, as I watched him strumming a possible new song for yet another one of his music projects, I spent a moment just appreciating the moment. Determined, ambitious, and just completely in his element. 

For all the times that Matt works on a project, I sometimes feel like when I watch him play, it's for the first time all over again....and I fall in love all over again. His smile, his warmth, his way of just making you feel included. Those are only a few of the several reasons I love him. And especially tonight, watching him immerse himself in what he loves as much as me, I appreciate him more. 

I appreciate everything  he embodies, and I can't help but feel grateful that this man is going to be my husband. A man that when we initially started dating, I deluded myself into thinking that it wouldn't go anywhere, that it was just a chance to enjoy life and nothing more. How wrong I was to believe that, as Matt tore down every last defense I had, like it was nothing. With his smile, with his hugs and kisses, with his intelligent conversation, with his cooking, with his cuddles, with his laughter, with his sing-a-longs, and most importantly....with his love.

There are so many things I could say about Matt. Yet for now, I look over at him practicing another song and I can't help but feel grateful that he's the one I get to be with for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, it's just nice to watch and appreciate. 

~Jenny Rockstar

Blurring the lines of dichotomy....

Nowadays, I'm convinced that the notion of Good vs. Evil is not, nor will it ever be, as clear-cut as many of us think. Unless, you know, you count those shows they air on TruTV....some of those people are absolutely nuts.

But after mulling everything over today, I am reminded of how I have always tried to see the good in people, even in those who have proven to have a dark side. Call it crazy, call it naive, but I believe that in each of us, there is light...just as there is darkness. And in those who feel comfortable in the darkness, I am intrigued to learn even more about them. 

I refuse to let my past dictate how I feel about it. I've been burned and my scars run deeper than I show anyone, a rough childhood that gave way to some even rougher adulthood decisions. Yet here I stand, as strong and tall as one can be in the face of adversity....although I'm sure anyone who knows me now (and knows nothing of my past) would not correlate parts of my past with my present. 

But that was then and this is now....and I can't let the darkness dim my world. Instead, I make it a point to share my light with others. It's important to remember that even in the worst people, there are qualities that are inherently good as well. (And that even some of the best people have an ugliness to their soul.)

I can't lose faith in humanity and somehow, I feel I have forgotten that as of late, as I juggle work, wedding plans, family, trying to spend as much time with Matt as physically possible, finding time for friends, finding time for me, and anything that makes me feel "balanced" internally. I've lost my need to seek out that light and darkness, to understand life and the importance of learning anything and everything I can.  

I think now I've found my personal project for this year: to seek out the good in all walks of life....and to write about those moments. I'm tired of feeling bogged down by the negatives and allowing them to fill me with anger and frustration...like today. I'm better than this, because that dark path is not meant for me in the long-run. Sure, there will be times I walk down that path, but staying on that path for the rest of my life? Never.  

I'm not really a church-goer (anymore), nor am I an atheist. I merely believe in being a good person and surrounding myself with as many different types of individuals as I can. Keeps life interesting, as well as brings a new level of knowledge in my social life. (I can't help but be fascinated what my friends contribute to our life discussions.)

There's beauty in us all. There's meaning in that balance. And I, for one, want to try to make some sense of it. Otherwise, if I don't try to understand, am I really living? 

~ Jenny Rockstar

On the path to life discovery....

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with family. It's not always simple to just get together and hang out with them, but when we do get together, I always feel a strange sense of calm. Watching my cousins with their spouses and beautiful children, laughing and sharing stories that as an adult, I can now laugh and appreciate with them. 

I feel blessed to have been raised by the family that I have, each and every one of them leaving their imprint on my life. And even now, as Matt and I make our plans to bring our families together, I still feel blessed. 

Looking back on how my life has gone, I don't think I would change anything about it. Because if I did, where would I be? Would Matt and I have come together? Would I be happy? All I can do is focus on making my life what I want it to be now, rather than focus on all of the things that I could have done differently. 

For now, I'm itching to start a new project. One that I intend to finish, something to keep my mind calm and my heart open to all possibilities. I'm thinking a writing project is in order, yet I'm not sure as to what I can write about. So many thoughts and yet not enough time to organize all of those thoughts rattling around in my head. 

Maybe it's time I opened up to writing poetry again, really worked on a craft that used to just come so naturally to me, that each stanza felt like taking a deep breath. My words help to define me, I live by them and within them. How could I forget that when all else failed, aside from music, writing gave me the solace that I longed for. I could figure myself out in the careful deliberation over the delivery of a metaphor. 

For now, I'm going to take each day at a time getting myself back to that place....a little "life discovery" of sorts. Whatever it takes, I'm open to everything.  

Jenn's Life Discovery Soundtrack

1) Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
2) Crazy Train - Black Sabbath
3) Rockstar - A Great Big World
4) Fever - Black Keys
5) Body and Soul - Billie Holliday

~ Jenny Rockstar

Simplicity....

Sometimes, I tend to forget that while it's important to be helpful and be there for others, spending time on yourself is just as important.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of stressful, with more work than I know what to do with and a wedding to focus on. One good thing that has come out of this is Matt and I trying to spend as much time as possible focusing on the good of our relationship.......

and my need to immerse myself in new music and a new attitude.

So I have made time for me. Made time to clean my house and clear my head of all the "clutter" that's in there. I have made time to put on my headphones and zone out, or plug in my iPod to the surround sound while I clean and dance my way through the day.

I have brewed homemade iced green tea and baked to my heart's content. 

I have found the urge to write poetry again. 

I have just found myself again....as I always do when I need the clarity of life to come my way.

I have cuddled and laughed and shared my endearing sentiments....and in this my heart has felt at peace.

I've even planned a little fun for myself this summer with good friends and a sense of adventure to geek out a little bit at Philadelphia Comic Con.

I have found solace in simplicity....and that in itself is the adventure. Adventures don't need to be grand and lavish, they just need to make you feel like you're learning more about yourself and the kind of person you aspire to be.

And for that, a little mini-playlist of what's been in constant play on my list:

1) Emily Kinney - Just Pretend
2) Passenger - Scare Away The Dark
3) The Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
4) Weezer - Beverly Hills
5) Radiohead - Let Down
6) A Great Big World - Rockstar

~ Jenny Rockstar

What it takes....

In the midst of wedding planning, I have been thinking about those who have married before us...and the ones to come...and what it all means. 

When I think about marriage, it's not all about the day or what's to come...it's the journey.

Roughly six months into our relationship, Matt asked me to move in with him. And while I was scared, I'm glad I took that risk. Sharing your space with someone else and learning how to work together became what cemented our bond.

And it got me thinking today about marriage....and how it's not the biggest step one can take.

Sure, it's a rather large step to make a commitment to someone by law, but personally....making the decision to live with your significant other requires a little bit more.

When you're with someone and you don't live together, there's space and the ability to avoid the hard conversations. But the thing is, when you do live together and those hard conversations come up, you learn to work through them. And in that, your relationship with that person changes in a way that strengthens the bond.

Through 6+ years, I feel more settled than I have with anyone else in my life. Matt and I still argue and disagree on things, but we work through it all. We laugh, cry, fight, share, cook, sing, dance, cuddle, dream, talk, smile, walk, and love....together.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's more than just hanging out. It's everything. It starts before you walk down the aisle, before you decide to share a last name. It starts with living together, being around one another all the time and still deciding that this is what you want. It's more than sex, it's more about emotional intimacy and less physical. 

It's everything you find that you have needed and even secretly wanted. 

When it comes down to it, this journey has been an amazing one. I can't wait to see what happens beyond the paper, beyond the flash and sparkle. I'm ready for continuing this story and writing all the new chapters along the way. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Calming the creative monster....

I have been experiencing a creative conundrum of sorts....

in the sense that I feel like I am crawling out of my skin not expressing myself creatively as of late.

Just the mere thought of downloading new songs sends my brain into an overload like any other. Picking up my camera the greatest high one can achieve. And even sitting here, pouring my thoughts out onto my little blog brings me solace more than a glass of wine and a good movie. (A good vinyl might just trump it.)

Life has thrown me so many curveballs as of late that I'm almost unsure of how to proceed from here. How do I find balance when time is so scarce as of late?

But I must press on. I must continue being who I am. I can't lose myself in the banality of every day existence. I won't let it happen. I'm more than just my job. My real career is being artistic and creative...and not being afraid to express that as much as possible.

With that said, I think I need a photography excursion soon. I am itching for it, just dying to get my camera strap wrapped around my wrist and explore for a while. To crouch down in the grass and capture the perfect shot. For so long, being behind a camera allowed me to heal and continue to experience life (and share it with those around me.) After a while I stopped being afraid of getting back in front of the camera. And now? I want to experience that rush again, the one where being behind the lens gave me the courage to share what was deep in my soul.

And as of late, to keep myself, I think I need to go back to that. To have my headphones at the ready, my camera on my hip, and the surroundings of a city abuzz with life to breathe in. I need something and I don't care how I get it. 

All I know is that if I don't....I'll never satisfy the itch. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Knowledge is some powerful stuff....

As I sat here going through old pictures I had left on my Canon Rebel (and finding pure solace in Lightroom and a possible NYC excursion soon), I couldn't help but think how much I've changed over the past six years. While I still have my moments where I can be irresponsible or just need to let loose, I feel more grounded and clear than I have in a long time. 

I've learned that it's okay to stay in on a weekend, by myself, and enjoy the quiet of my home. When Matt cannot be here, I miss him but I cherish these moments with my thoughts.

I've learned that alcohol is not always necessary. It's not always about partying or needing something to take the edge off. Even in college, just the mere thought of music studio time during finals brought me that rush that I needed. Sometimes just being behind a camera or having my head buried in a good book (or my notebook) brings a better high than a shot of Fireball.

I've learned that the world is full of toxic people, and it's okay that they are who they are, but that doesn't mean that they need to be in my life. Sometimes, walking away is the only answer, because continuing to just live with it is not good enough. 

I've learned that even when you don't believe it, love will find you again. And when it's right, you finally understand what all of those love songs talk about. (And that the idea of marriage can become exciting again.)

I've learned in that love that it's Matt or it's nobody. And anyone that came before was only there to teach me what I do (and don't) want in a relationship. (And that I won't settle for less than I am worth. Never again.)

I've learned that I'm braver and stronger than I even realize. I've weathered some rough storms, but I'm still here. Even when I felt ready to give up on myself, I kept pushing through for reasons I'm not even sure of. 

I've learned to be myself in a world where people try to change you because you don't fit their mold. I am who I want to be and even thinking for a second that attempting to correct that is necessary....is dumb.

I've learned that the real adventure in life is just living. It doesn't need to be anything extreme, but rather just grabbing the reins and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've learned that happiness is something that is not just for everyone else...it's for me too. And I need to make myself happy before others at times.  

I've learned that sometimes that taking a step back and into the background is healthy. Being the center of attention all the time can be exhausting. 

I've learned to laugh more, share emotions, indulge in the simple moments, cook more, cuddle more, read more, learn more, and simply just....be. 

But for now, time for me to start picking up the things that make me happy again. 

Time for new adventures.

~ Jenny Rockstar

Perspectively Confused

Lately, I've been finding myself searching for perspective.

With wedding plans underway, working as much as I possibly can (and still continuing to find more work to do to keep busy), and attempting to squeeze in as much fun and job as I can, I realize that maybe I'm going about life the wrong way.

While I do love to work hard, I'm in dire need of a break from everything. A break from life. Sure, I find that break in moments like cleaning my house and drawing a nice, hot bubble bath, but maybe a few days couldn't hurt. A chance to recharge and regroup.

Because lately, I've felt I don't have control of my life. And that's a tough pill to swallow. I need a chance to breathe for a few days. A chance to wake up and not have responsibility or worry. A chance to spend some time with Matt that doesn't require a serious discussion (even though we do still have lots of fun ones as well!)

Just a chance to get myself back onto level ground before I attempt to keep pushing myself. 

I know this stress won't last forever and in time, things will ease up and be better. But for now, I'm just finding it difficult to see the silver lining. 

Maybe in the interim, I should write more. Not for others, but for me. I feel like I've lost that integral part of who I am, that ability to sit and pour my heart out into a notebook...or a laptop. 

I need to stop saying I am going to write and just write. Otherwise, what else do I have to look forward to?

Well, of course the wedding, but for me....what's in this life for me?

Guess I need to start figuring that out.

~ Jenn