Pass me the Kleenex for these musical gems......

When I was in college, one of my many passions was getting the chance to share my love and knowledge of music through my writing. Being a Managing Editor on our school newspaper, The Cormont, I felt I had the opportunity to be open about what I loved in certain types of music. There were articles about my favorite "panty picks", summer songs, artists to look out for, etc. And now, years later, I miss not continuing to do those. 

Oh sure, on occasion I've been known to make a few lists regarding my life or favorite songs off of mixes that I've created, but today after listening to an epic rendition of "Faithfully," I decided to start another list. What's been missing from my life is the ability to connect my favorite things the way I used to. It's not like I haven't been writing, but if you saw how many unfinished posts I actually had on my blog, you'd wonder why I didn't get the inspiration or drive to finish them. Truth is, I don't know how to continue them. Yes, I have passion while writing, but it fades when I've finally shared all the words I can. 

But today, I decided it was time to start using and combining my talents again, because without music or writing, I don't think I'd be who I am today. 

I wouldn't have been published in an Anthology. 

I wouldn't have learned how to sing. 

I wouldn't have learned how to play piano. 

I wouldn't have learned what it took to be in front of a crowd, sharing my most intimate moment through an artistic expression......and making them feel the emotion that I wanted to convey.

So today, after hearing "Faithfully" done so amazingly well by the cast of Glee, I decided to give you, in no particular order, my top ten 'tear-jerker' picks:

1) Faithfully by Journey (and the Glee Cast Version): This song is epic, on so many different levels. The words, the voice, the raw emotion that goes into Steve Perry's deliverance of the message. Yes, it's about a man sharing with the woman he loves that no matter what happens or where he goes, that she's the only one for him. Funnily enough, Steve Perry did not write this song, the keyboardist did. He wrote it for his wife to tell her that despite the fact that he was on the road away from her, he wanted to come home to her and only her. I can relate to that, dating a musician who is sometimes on the road while I'm at home, waiting for him to come home to me so I can remember all the reasons why I fell in love with him. And the version that the cast of Glee has created......just epic and beautiful. (For those of you who know the show, I think Finn and Rachel will definitely end up together, no matter what happens.)

2) Barbara by The Beach Boys: Yes, I know that they have a song Barbara Ann out there, but this song is different. It was written by Dennis Wilson and in my opinion, is just so simple with the words, but moving all the same. Dennis wrote it for his wife, conveying all the feelings that he feels when he's with her. Matt was the first one to introduce me to this song and I'm glad that he did, because we can relate to the words. I can still remember when I heard him share these words with me:

Every day is a special day for me
Living with you
Just being with you
All my love, for all my life, my love, my love
Just for you
For I love to sing songs for you

The simplicity in the meaning moved me to tears the first time I heard these words. And while it is another musician-themed song, where the song Faithfully is more epic, this one is more tender and sweet.

3) Your Song by Sir Elton John: Let's face it......Elton is the man when it comes to some of the all-time iconic songs of our lives! Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? Classic. Tiny Dancer? An instant sing-a-long hit! Candle in the Wind.......both versions? There is not a dry eye in the house. Yet this song......one of my favorites, carries such an intimate moment between a man and his lover. There he is, wanting to share that this is their song and while it's not perfect, it's theirs. I think on some level, we all wish we could have moments like that where we have someone who goes out of their way to share exactly what they're feeling.......in the most creative of ways. You can't help but want to love the song itself. Even the line about the color of the eyes, that he may have forgotten the color, but they're the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen. Who wouldn't want to hear those words? 

4) Never is a Promise by Fiona Apple: Not all 'tear-jerkers' are romantic ballads......even though it would be nice for each one to be romantically involved. But this doesn't mean that this song is any less Kleenex-worthy. Fiona Apple isn't really known for getting loud when she's hurt or angry in her music. Instead, she carries this "quiet storm" of emotion, grabbing you at the very core of your soul. I remember that when I first heard this song, it wasn't really moving to me......until my freshman year of college when my mother had succumbed to her manic-depressive state. At this time in my life, I was dealing with all of these feelings and emotions that I had never thought I'd be dealing with. I was only 18 years old, having to understand why my mother was constantly making me cry and feel guilty for being a regular teenager. It felt like she didn't know me, didn't care to know who I was, and instead did her best to make me feel like I wasn't good enough with the person that I wanted to be. I had to do everything she asked me to do. I had to sacrifice for her. I had to defend myself against the lies she had created in her delusions about my current home-life with my father. I can still remember the one line that always caught me:

I don't know what to believe in

You don't know who I am

I was so lost, thinking that I was supposed to have a mom who supported me and understood me. Someone who wouldn't tear me down any chance she had. Someone who could respect my wishes when I asked for space or time to process my feelings. And while I know now that she wasn't well when all this is happening, this song is still my go-to song when I need to just cry and process life.......Kleenex always on hand.

5) That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette: There's always a song or two that's necessary to hear when one feels insecure and unsure of life. And I'm sad to say that in quite a few years of my life, I've been insecure. I've felt like I haven't been good enough or strong enough to do the things I've needed to do. And while this isn't a strong, empowering number, it's one of those songs that has always reminded me that no matter what happens in my life, I was going to be ok, whether that be in a life I wasn't satisfied with or without people around me. I knew I could be just fine, I would always come out the other side. I may have had a few scars to show for it, but I'd get through everything the best way I knew how: one step at a time. 

6) Is It Okay If I Call You Mine? by Paul McCrane: I have my college friends and parents to thank for getting me into more musical theatre-type music. The first time I heard this song, I was a sophomore at Marymount College, hanging out in my friend Ileana's room. She kept raving about this song and knowing how much I loved music, wanted me to hear it. When I had met my ex-fiancee in my junior year, that song really hit home for me. I remember just how much I wanted to be with him, to call him mine for just a little while. Those words, just like most of my favorite songs, were simple and heartfelt, with a deeper meaning. I couldn't wait to be around him, to get to know him better. While I now find a deeper parallel with that song in my current boyfriend, I love how Paul McCrane's voice takes these simple phrases and hopes to share how even for at least a little while, he wants to be with this person that has consumed his thoughts. 

7) This Beauty by Amanda Rogers (Jupiter Sunrise): Not a mainstream number, but a moving song all the same. I love the way Amanda conveys how people view her as such a beautiful person, even though she may be talking about her own insecurities and pointing them out at every turn. And if she could, she would stop paying attention to the media's notion of the image of being beautiful and focus on what's important: what people really see when they look at her. With all the different types of media focusing on the idea of beauty being skinny waists and accentuating "the goods" with provocative apparel and makeup........it's easy for the women of our time to feel that disappointment when they can't live up to the standards that media wants them to be. But let's face it: it's better to truly be who you are rather than someone you're not. And the way Amanda Rogers evokes emotion in her song.......I definitely get just a little choked up.

8) Hello Again by Neil Diamond: Ah, how could I pass up not talking about Neil? Whenever I hear the strings intro to this song.......it gives me goosebumps. And the way they use this song in the movie The Jazz Singer? Such a classic scene. Neil comes back to his woman and when he sees her, all those old feelings return and in that moment, the only thing on his mind is just to tell her "hello" and to show her that he realizes how much he needs her in his life. He knows he has looked at her many times before, but this one is different. Whenever Matt is on the road and he calls me at after a show, I'm reminded of this song just a little bit. Just the idea that after all of the music, madness, and girls around him, that I'm the one he wants to talk to at the end of the night. And the words..........need I say anything more?

9) The Right Place by Andy Mac: Not all of my 'tear-jerkers' are mainstream/classic songs......this one is no exception! While I find some of the words to not be as clear-cut and simple as some of my other favorites, this gem is definitely one to not pass up. Mac delivers the idea that in the simplest of moments, one can realize that they are exactly where they need to be in life. More and more lately, I connect with that simple message. While for so long, I struggled with who I was in a relationship and kept coming up short, I found that relationship to change the game. That relationship that makes you realize that that person is what makes you feel more complete than you've felt in a long time. True, you should really be complete with  yourself before being in a relationship, but I love how this song really touches on the aspect of being complete with your significant other/love interest. The one person whose smile or quirky mannerism is all you need in life to feel everything fall into place. 

10) Question by Old 97s: While I know a few people won't understand how moving this song truly is, I'm going to take the time to put it as the final song on my list. Oh sure, there are sooooo many other songs that I could've come up with for this final number (and believe me, I'm a HUGE 'tear-jerker' song fan), but I have to share this one. A man putting into words the instant that he wants to propose to the one he loves. I could probably go on and on about how great this song is, but I'd rather you hear it. Simplistic and tender......perfect combination.

*BONUS*

11) Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley: Now yes, this is a cover of the Leonard Cohen version, but Jeff Buckley's version is so melodic and haunting. There are so many interpretations to the song itself, but I love the one I take from it: the idea of a love that hurts you so much it causes physical pain. There are so many songs about the fluffy, happy side of love that I love how this song is the "dark side," so to speak. Yes, the themes are more sexual and ominous, but that's what makes this work. One of my favorite verses is the following: 

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

The way Buckley sings about love being this cold and hurtful thing......it just makes you feel that heartbreak that he's telling you about. Oh yeah, a box of tissues is necessary to get through this number.

***************************

I definitely plan on making more Top Tens, especially ones that focus on the types of music I'm surrounded by/love listening to/hate/stumbled upon by accident. Until then, if anyone has any ideas for a list, comments are appreciated! 

~Jenny Rockstar

Finding the "Glee" in life

I'll admit it......when I get into something, I'm always the first to dive headfirst into learning EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that I can about what interests me. When I was in high school and hit that "boy-band" phase, I could probably recite the birthdate and favorite color of the members of Hanson, Backstreet Boys, *N'Sync, and 98 Degrees. (Fortunately, I grew out of this awkward phase, even though my music collection from these years are still a guilty pleasure.) This also became my time to fall in love with Nicholas Brendon from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And then by the time Senior Year rolled around, I was becoming heavily interested in '60s & '70s music after watching a made for TV movie about The Monkees and their rise (and fall) to fame. (The first time I met Peter Tork will always be one of my favorite memories.) This intro, while not in the same genre, led me to some of my current classic rock loves: The Beatles, The Who, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd. 

Come college, I turned to more visual interests, immersing myself in shows like American Idol (I'm still convinced Clay Aiken was the winner) and Broadway musicals (thanks to my theater friends). Some of my friends brought me out to local shows, where I would meet more indie-style bands that soon became some of the most influential music in my life (refer to Jupiter Sunrise blog.) It also became a period in my life where I explored other genres of music like Jazz, Opera, Punk, Oldies, and anything that caught my fancy. I was always researching and learning as much as I could, hoping that I could find myself in those very things I had come to love and admire. When I would luck out and create that connection, life made sense for a change. I felt like I had understanding, even from something that would never know how much of an impact it would leave on me.

During my junior and senior year in college, as well as a few post-college years, my interests became more serious. I wanted to be the best writer at any subject that I felt passionate about, so I started researching issues pertaining to my life. My mother went undiagnosed for manic depression, so I explored that topic just as vigorously as I would learning about my favorite boy bands. When it came to writing about the Army and what was supposed to be my future life, I buried myself in guidebooks and stories that Army Wives had written before me. And as for music, I learned about music that had never quite interested me before, but I felt determined to learn more about. I felt the push to be an adult and to stop dreaming and learning about the passions that had driven me before in life. I was going to be living on my own. I was going to be married. I was an adult who needed to act like one, something that I wish I hadn't done.

My music choices reflected that, as it became harder for me to find new music that spoke to me in the way it had before. There would be the occasional song here and there, but nothing that really grabbed me the way things used to. I struggled a lot with knowing who I was in these years, trying to understand my part in the world. 

I wasn't writing the amazing stories in Rolling Stone Magazine that I had hoped to write. 

I wasn't getting to rub elbows with the musicians/actors that impacted my life up to that point. 

I wasn't living up to my full potential, nor was I able to find a way that helped me to do that. My inspiration felt lacking.....at least for a while. 

But all of that has changed in the past couple of years, as I found myself in a new relationship and a new chapter in my life. And with that, my interests started to come back slowly, but surely. I danced more, worried less, and stopped trying to push forward when clearly it wasn't making a difference. There had to be another way around the wall I had in front of me.

And then, about a month or two back, I started to watch the show Glee. I managed to catch an episode here and there, but nothing serious. It just seemed like another silly show on television.....I didn't give it much thought. All it looked like was another teeny bopper show that would catch on with pre-pubescent teens. Then one night with my boyfriend Matt, I watched the infamous Madonna episode.......and things were never the same. I decided to give the show another chance and really became intent on watching the plot unfold.

I know it sounds silly to think that a simple TV show could change my perspective on life (because it hasn't), yet the simple story about a show choir trying to rise from the ashes and the mini-dramas and conflicts they are faced with presented in a somewhat comedic manner.......I couldn't help but feel a sense of understanding towards its message. It brought me back to my high school chorus days and from there, I felt a sense of nostalgia. I remember being like Rachel Berry in trying to snag every solo I dreamed of having, as well as dealing with unrequited feelings for any boy that I had even liked. I remember feeling like the outcast in school as I became known for being somewhat of a writing/music geek......minus slushie facials. I sometimes felt like Tina, wanting to avoid having to deal with people, marching to the beat of my own drum, especially when in my own high school years I dealt with some tough and eye-opening experiences. And in some strange way, I also remember feeling like Finn, always trying to find my voice and my place in the thick of it all.........the show brought me back to that girl I had been....and the one I had always wanted to be.

With a new determination, I set out to find out more about the show, as well as try to watch every episode with a renewed enthusiasm for life. Almost every character reminded me of people I went to school with; the line drawn between athletics and the arts something I could relate to in a big way. Watching each episode, it felt like I was watching my high school ambitions and dreams each week. 

Finding my place in the world. 

Having to make difficult choices that truly shaped who I wanted to become. 

Hearing the song in my heart and following it with everything I had.

But what struck me the most is for the first time in a long time, I found myself passionate and ambitious to learn about something new. It's important to have interests and mini-obsessions with things......you learn a lot about yourself from what you like. I'm always trying to find my own happiness in life with everything I have. But sometimes, when it doesn't feel like enough, you need to change up the game a little. Just one little change always seems to renew the goals you seek, not for its ability to rattle around the status quo, but for how it makes you appreciate your own dreams even more.

I'm always going to be afraid that I'm not going to make it where I want to be in life, but I'm going to push past that fear. 


Because I know I'm going to be a wonderful writer that will one day write a book that will change my life and impact those around me. 


Because I know that if I want to meet those people that have had a significant impact on my life, it will happen if I believe in it. 

Because I'm not afraid to be that girl who randomly breaks out singing while walking down the quiet boardwalk at 10 pm, envisioning everything I've ever wanted just being there for the taking. 


Because I know I have a voice that is going to move mountains. 


Because when I stand against the wind with a song in my heart and a dream in my soul.........nothing can stop me. 

I think we all need a little "glee" in our lives, those simple things that help us to make it through the days and keep us smiling and strong. Without it, life doesn't always seem so shiny and bright.......without those dreams, you lose sight of you.

~Jenny Rockstar

I took the road less traveled by.....and that has made all the difference

Yesterday, during my first day off this week, I decided to venture out my front door and become more acquainted with the area that I call home: Manasquan. Armed with my iPod and my camera, all I wanted was an opportunity to clear my head for a while and get some time doing two things that I really enjoy: listening to music and taking pictures of the things that I come across.

For anyone not familiar with Manasquan and its beach, it's more intimate, less noisy, and its inlet runs parallel to the Point Pleasant inlet on the other side. A long pathway of jagged rocks all placed in the form of a pathway, leading out to a lookout point made of concrete. I was determined to get to that lookout point, no matter how treacherous the path may have looked. I took each rock at a time, judging and gauging which one made the most sense to reach for next. At times, I was scared I was going to fall or be blown away by the crazy wind, yet I knew that if I had turned around then, that it was pointless for me to have even tried at all........so I kept going.

And finally, after enduring the wind and sea-spray catching me off-guard several times, I made it to the lookout point and took a long hard look at the pathway I had just conquered. Funnily enough, life is just like that jagged path: lots of patience and decisions that could alter how you venture down your own path could mean you either make it through or end up in the water. And sometimes, taking a breather and allowing yourself the opportunity to take in your surroundings on that path help you to continue down it.

I felt I had conquered a huge feat: making it through the rough patch of the road, yet I knew that I'd have to go back the way I came in, with quite a bit of alteration to how I originally walked that pathway. But instead of immediately jumping the gun to go back, I stayed on that lookout point, watching the fisherman trying to catch some prime fare off the concrete pier.......until the graffiti on the concrete caught my eye. There, in bright blue lettering, I saw the following words: LIVE FREE. Of course, I had to take a picture of those words, because after all of the struggles and tribulations recently, I felt a sense of calm reading those very words. All of us struggle on a day-to-day basis with feelings of not being able to live the way we want to live, not being where we want to be on certain things in our life. Even the happiest and most content of individuals will always have something that they strive to have still, something that always seems to be just a little out of reach for them. I felt empowered after seeing these words and wanted to embrace its message. Therefore, my camera was staying out, as I saw many other meaningful messages painted all over the inlet.

Some were silly little proclamations of love, like "Jeff <3's Erin 4Ever" while others were even sillier, just random nicknames and words like "Skyscraper" and "Big Black" vertically painted down the concrete anchors. Each was unique in its own way, offering something new and interesting to look at while I took in the sea air and magnificent view of the shore line. But then I came across yet another word spray-painted onto the concrete: Fear. For so long, I've feared the danger along my path, yet I've continued to follow what I believe in. And just like the previous phrase spoke to me, this one did as well, because fear will always be present in anything I do, just like while I was walking along the jagged rocks. It is everywhere and anywhere it wants to be, no matter what happens in life. The only way to truly conquer fear is to know that it will always be there, but to not pay any mind to it.

More and more, I became comfortable with the surroundings of the inlet and allowed myself the opportunity to really open up on my picture-taking. I felt all the tension drain and my camera gave me the opportunity to just relax for a while and enjoy the beautiful day unfolding before me. Picture after picture of the waves, the inlet on the opposite side, fishing boats, and surfers caught my eye. Even for a weekday, there was still so much going on outside......and I wanted to capture all that I could. While there would be more, I decided I had taken enough pictures at the lookout and proceeded to make the trek back over the rough terrain. On my way back, however, I came across the most extraordinary heart.......painted onto a cracking, crumbling rock. Before my friend Nick could offer his personal interpretation of the image as an old love, it made me realize that even when your heart is broken, it's still intact. It never completely shatters, but instead weathers the storm, keeping its shape for all to see. The heart is a warrior, always sharing its message of love no matter what the cost. In a way, I felt like it was my heart, cracked and weathered through the years, but still able to distinguish that love is alive and well.

No matter what happens in life, I will always believe in love. For a while, like this path, I needed to take it easy and find my way, despite the odds against me. Love is eternal, it is prominent even when everything else is not. It comes in all different sizes, defies all logic and reason, and will always win. Every day, my faith in love is renewed. I see it in every form and anywhere I go. It can be in your significant other kissing you goodbye as they start their day, or a parcel from a friend. We see it in people holding the door for others or simply greeting a stranger. It comes in a touch, or a phrase, or a gesture of kindness. I could come up with many examples for hate as well, but a simple gesture of love can erase even the largest exhibition of hate.

My road may be jagged and scary at times, but it is mine. And it is full of just as much beauty as a smoothly paved road.......but I don't need something that's easy. I need the road that teaches me how to prepare myself for life, that challenges me to push harder and choose wisely, because life is not easy. Life is messy, complicated at times, and can push you down even when you're already down. But as long as you keep getting back up and pushing forward.......nothing can stop you. 

~Jenny Rockstar

Restless are we all until true freedom is realized......

I'm sure I've written about my favorite non-Beatles album before, but there could never be enough words to describe its impact in my life. Sure, there's only one album (well, two, but I can't find the other one since it's out of print) and the band is no longer together, yet whenever I think about the music that has really helped me through some of the biggest moments in my life, this band is it.......Jupiter Sunrise.

I remember the first time I had heard their music in 2002. I was a sophomore in college, still in the midst of figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I was also still trying to gain a social life. At the time, my friend Colleen was interested in this guy who happened to be a roadie for the band. Since I wanted to get out and expand my horizons past the halls of Marymount, I agreed to go with Colleen to a show at the Empress Ballroom in Danbury, CT. Little did I know this would change my life forever.

Before the show, Colleen had given me her copy of a now out of print Jupiter Sunrise album. I later bought my own copy, only to have it go missing over 6 months later. I was excited about getting to see a new band and try something different from my normal routine.......and it was worth it. Within a matter of hours, Colleen and I were rocking out at the show, enjoying a pretty awesome collection of bands in a dimly lit industrial-like setting. After seeing Jupiter Sunrise play, I knew I had to get an album and poster (and a t-shirt). At their booth, the first band member I had the chance to meet was Ben. 

Ben definitely set the pace for just how kind and gracious the band really was. With his funky glasses and unruly curly hair, I thought of him as a cute, nerdy type. I could tell he really loved what he was doing with music, especially when onstage.........and that translated into his kindness with all of his fans. All of the band members gave off a similar vibe. 

Mark was the next one to walk up to us......and he was ALL about the hugs! I complimented his Weezer shirt, he gave me a hug. I told him how much fun I was having, he gave me a hug. And just for the hell of it, he gave me a hug. Mark definitely wanted to make you feel like you were more than just a fan of the band.....you were a friend. 

Chris was what I believed to be an all-out rocker. Of course, what would you expect from a drummer with long hair and the best rock faces when he was behind that drum kit? While listening to other bands, Chris and I shared in a "rocker hair" moment, which I will always remember and cherish as one of those simple, yet meaningful memories.

Aaron always appeared to be a more shy and quiet type to me. While we never had many conversations, I will always appreciate the fact that when I saw him, he always greeted me with a smile and kind words. But one thing is for sure........his curly hair was quite awesome!

About a little over a year had passed when I would see the band play again......this time in NJ! At the time, I wasn't really feeling like myself. My bf at the time broke up with me, stating that he didn't feel he could be with me anymore. Needless to say, I was beyond devastated......and lacking in sleep and any form of a social life. I felt like a shell. Colleen, as always, was willing to embark on an adventure to NJ to come see me......and kidnap me to a Jupiter Sunrise show in Montclair, NJ.

For the life of me, I can't remember the name of the place or where exactly in Montclair it was located, but I know that at that moment, I needed out of my house for something fun. It even helped when I decided to style my hair all curly and wear a fun new outfit out to the show, just because. And as I had hoped, when Colleen and I walked into the club, we were greeted with the same love and kindness from the band members as before.

That day had taught me something important.........that even in your worst of times, you can always find something to make you smile. Those guys made me smile for the first time in a long time. I forgot about my breakup for a while and enjoyed the music, company, and random moments that the night had had to offer. I could not have asked for a better night, even as I told the band members how much their show had helped me smile and relax for the first time in days. I was thanked with hugs and the opportunity to hang out with the band members at a diner afterward.

Originally, the band had had only four members when I met them. But when Warped Tour came around in 2005, I would learn that a new member had joined the band: Amanda. While not very talkative, Amanda definitely helped to create one of my favorite shirts. She took a band t-shirt and when asked, cut it up to create a cute shirt that was all ties in the back. Even now, I save that shirt to wear for whenever I just feel like cutting loose and being sexy!

Aside from Colleen, this band held bearing with my previous relationship as well. As my ex and I had started talking about marriage and a future together, he had decided to bring my favorite band into the most awesome marriage proposal (to date) I could have ever imagined. A year's worth of planning and scheming with the band to determine when it would happen and how, utilizing my favorite song, "Steal Me," to capture the perfect moment. In May 2006 at CBGB's, my marriage proposal became a part of the band's and bar's history. I was so excited, seeing my favorite band in a place that I had always wanted to go, and them being a part of a big moment in my life. I never ended up getting married to my ex, but the scrapbook I created from that night I will cherish for the rest of my life.

There were two more shows that I had had the chance to see before the band members went their separate ways and Mark continued the project with new members. One was a an outdoor show in upstate NY, while the last one was at The Chance in Poughkeepsie. If I had known then that that was the last show, I probably would've given more hugs, shared more smiles, and rocked out even harder than I was. But at least in the end, Mark got to see the finished scrapbook, which I know touched him very deeply that I considered that a valuable treasure.

It's been about 3-4 years since I've seen any of those guys, but their music still impacts my life.....even now. Because when I feel alone or sad, I'm always able to put on the album "Under a Killer Blue Sky" and relive some of the most touching moments of my life. Within those 12 tracks, I get to be back in college with my friends or just dancing to the beat of my own drum. I can put that album on in the car and not care what I look like when I sing along loud and proud to it.

It's my personal freedom, a link to the me that I like and know that I can be. Whether I'm singing along about x-ray vision or paper tigers, I can relate to the words and the melody.......because it's the melody of my life.

I know that not everyone is going to understand why I love this album or what makes it so great to me, but I know. It helped me bond with friends in ways I could have never imagined. It got me through some of the most wonderful and heart-wrenching moments of my life. And most importantly, it introduced me to five of the most talented musicians that I know.

If you're reading this (Mark, Ben, Aaron, Chris, and Amanda): thank you for creating such wonderful music to the soundtrack of my life.

~Jenny Rockstar

Trusting My Instincts

As the girlfriend of a musician, it sometimes gets difficult when I can't be at a show. There are those times that no matter how many shows I see, it just isn't feasible or possible for me to come see the show.......and it may suck, but it's okay. Our time apart is always a good time to spend with our friends, as well as give us perspective on our relationship. It always makes our time together a lot more meaningful to the both of us!

I'll also admit that sometimes, it makes me think about the girls that will hit on Matt when I'm not there. I'm not stupid, I know that there are many females in the audience who are into the idea of scoring a band member for the night, thinking that they have a chance with any member that is on that stage. In fact, I've been present at a few shows where girls, who knew I was there after Matt told them I was there, still tried to invite him back to their room. Needless to say, if I had heard them, I would've walked over and gladly introduced myself, shattering the illusion!

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that girls hit on Matt. Quite the contrary, I find it flattering that women find him attractive, because it's also a nice reminder of what a wonderful guy I have in my life. If there are other girls noticing what I see in him and trying to be a part of that, it can get annoying at times, but it shows me that I've found someone worth knowing. 

But getting back on topic, it got me thinking to what constitutes "crossing the line," so to speak. I know it's important that these very girls who like to flirt with the guys come out to as many shows as possible......this is the target audience that will help the fan base grow exponentially. For this, I am cool with Matt having to go talk to the ladies. Most of my friends will not understand this, because they think that he should come be around me for the night, but it's also his job to go out and meet the audience. And I'm completely cool with that. If I wasn't, then what I am doing dating a musician in the first place? 

It's not like I haven't been on the opposite end of this discussion. Even when I'm out at shows to see friends who are musicians, I have found that sometimes their significant others tend to get a little jealous or weird that I talk to their man. It's nothing more than friendship, being that I'm in my own relationship, but I couldn't help but really consider why anyone would be jealous or upset with me in the first place. Call it insecurity, call it jealousy, call it whatever you want.....but it showed me something. There are also girls that come out to shows that I know are in my position, just out to see their friends and nothing more. Now why am I comfortable with them and not with the other girls?

Thinking about this made me ponder the core values of a relationship.....and it got me to the first HUGE part of it: trust. I trust Matt. I don't trust those other girls. I never will trust those other girls. And I never have to trust those other girls. They haven't given me reason to with their behavior. Instead, I put my faith in the only person I need to believe in. Does it suck when I've met and conversed with girls who disrespect me? Yes. But in the end, they're not with Matt......and I am. 

So at least for a gig here and there, we're apart......but it makes our time together just that much more special.

~Jenny Rockstar

I let my music take me where my heart wants to go.......

Whenever I need a mellow moment or a boost of confidence, I always look to music to bring me through. Sure, I have an extensive collection of music that would impress just about anyone. Whether it be my knowledge of Beatles songs or a slight fascination with Van Morrison's Astral Weeks album, I give everything I find a fair chance on my music player. 

Music has been one of the very few things, aside from writing, that has kept me grounded. Any time that I have felt lost or confused, I can always find a song to empower and enlighten me in ways that I never thought possible. Hope is never lost when you have a song in your heart to remind you that things will always get better and that in those harder moments, perseverance will get you through. 

Lately, while continuing to be a rockstar, I've been writing more about the frustration I've had with pursuing the things I love to do. While I wish I could be doing those things immediately, I know that the process of getting there will be a slow and steady one. It comes with some uneasiness and sometimes not being as happy as I hope to be......but I know that as long as I hold onto those things that I love and keep on pushing through, I'm going to make it. There's no challenge too large for me and no task too difficult......even though the stress is overwhelming.

But whenever I find the right music for my mood, suddenly all those barriers fade away and I find myself swimming in the melody of the song and its glorious words! Every line brings me closer to that determination that I need to push through. Every chorus an epiphany......and sometimes within the verses, I discover clarity to a rather hazy situation. I see the Pulitzer Prize........I see the byline in Rolling Stone......I see my future going just where I'd hoped it would go. 


I know not everyone gets the same feeling that I do with music, but I don't expect people to understand. Instead, all I can hope for is that I continue feeling the same way about the things I love instead of losing that hope and drive that it has given me all these years. 


~Jenny Rockstar

Gimme Some Truth.......

As I sit here in my living room, winding down from another wild weekend with candlelight and some Rufus Wainwright, I have thought a lot about respect and appreciation. And just like with any other moment that it enters my mind, I feel that it is continually tested on a week-to-week basis. Whether it be at my job with the kids who refuse to pose for me and instead want to mouth off......or even some random person in the audience who decides that lashing out is necessary to make their ego feel less bruised at the end of the night, I feel a constant test of just how much I can take. 

But after this past weekend, I've realized that in my heart, I already know who I can trust first and foremost: myself. For so long, I have always second-guessed myself and what I want out of life. When I feel I have it all figured out, I realize I really don't. Back in high school, I wanted to write and be a famous poet. In college, I became more interested in journalism, even though my post-college efforts of trying to utilize that degree has been slow going......which leads me up to present day. With my path slowly being formed the way I want it to go, I know that I need to trust my instincts a little more and remember that I can do anything I dream of just as long as I'm happy. 

I don't need anyone's approval to be who I am, nor do I expect it. The right people stick around and encourage me to pursue what I love, sometimes even give me a clue on how to continue down the path. And for the people who have nothing better to do but break me, I've learned that their opinions, like those of a complete stranger, don't matter to me. I may do things to advance my career path, but I also do things because I love to do them! Whether it be picking up my camera and capturing moments, having in-depth discussions about life and goals for some insight, or even sitting down and writing out my thoughts and ideas to process what's going on in my life.   

I'm Jenn. I'm kind, caring, helpful. If you know me well I can wear my heart on my sleeve, but hurting me results in a long road back to that original me. I love life and everything about it. Simple things like listening to vinyl records with a glass of wine or browsing the nearest bookstore make me smile as bright as the sun.......aside from Matt. When I'm in my element, I forget what stress or anxiety feel like and start to remember how important it is to dream big and reach for the stars. I love being a kid whenever the opportunity presents itself, because while adulthood is part of life, you should never stop having that child-like spirit.....and I don't care who feels that acting like a kid is beneath them, because it's not.


So after another crazy weekend, I get to put away my camera and instead put on my most comfy of pjs. And in those quiet moments of winding down, I know that in the end, I have myself (and Matt) and that's the most important part of all.


~Jenny Rockstar~

The Digital Age.......worth the price?

I'm not afraid to admit that when it comes to music: I LOVE IT! I've always had a soft spot for the arts and I always will. From huge concert venue bands to coffee-shop artists, I love listening to them all and giving each one a fair shot on my iPod. Some of my favorite music comes from random albums given to me.....or even just randomly flipping through the recommendations on iTunes.

Recently, one of my high school peers sent me his demo cd and just like with anything new, I excitedly popped it into my cd player and took a listen. I was taken back a little by the quality of the album, which has a slightly rough, but definitely well-written feel. Every track kept me interested, the lyrics simple in their conveyed meaning and by the end.....the demo became a part of my ever-growing iTunes collection. But that's not what amazes me.

What amazes me that when I looked to see where it was recorded, I realized that it was done all by computer in his bedroom. In the age of technology, there have been several advances in many fields. Now, we can order our sandwiches electronically at a convenience store, have machines count our change at the bank, and create our own albums and movies using handheld equipment and programs we can purchase at Best Buy. Gone are the days where you had to go into a studio to produce your own album or edit your movies for showing. 

Technology has become something we have come to rely on in this day and age. Oddly enough, I fall just on the line of knowing what it was like before we had this advanced technology. You were considered wealthy if you had ONE desktop computer in your house, let alone the internet. In 7th grade, I was just beginning to understand what AOL was and how Instant Messenger and chat rooms functioned. Nowadays, I can function on a higher level with internet pages and social media. All instant messaging can be consolidated to one window instead of having to open several programs to use each one. And even though I don't consider it to be a huge deal, it amazes people when they ask me the simplest of computer questions and I'm able to direct them where they need to go.

But sometimes, I miss childhood. I miss that whole feeling of spending time outside playing instead of cooped up inside doing work. I miss when instead of calling up a friend on your cell to chat, you would go to their house to see if they were home instead. I miss Barbie Dream Cars and Saturday morning cartoons in your feetie pajamas. And most of all, I miss that tangible quality to life that technology just can't give you. An Amazon Kindle doesn't smell the same as a musty old book that's filled with history and an iPod, while incredibly awesome to have, doesn't have the same sound as listening to "The White Album" on vinyl. 


I'm not knocking the advancements in technology, but sometimes I do feel that we're too reliant on it for the simplest of tasks in life. We forget what it's like when our cell phones have a dead battery or get lost, panicking in the process of trying to find what we feel is our link to the outside. Or what happens when our iPod refuses to turn on and we need to resort to another method of blocking out the world when we're in public. Hell, I've seen several posts about people feeling completely lost when their computers finally break and they need to be fixed. It makes me question whether or not anyone remembers what we did before technology took over our lives.

So while I may be well past bumming a ride from my parents to a friend's house, I climb into my own car and pop on my friend's album, jamming out to the music at the top of my lungs. While technology has a huge, conflicting influence on my life (and mind), I can still appreciate how it has revolutionized the way we receive media and function daily. And maybe sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could do without it.

~Jenny Rockstar

Boston.....where no one knows my name......

After yet another awesome show (this time in Boston), I have felt an abundance of gratitude for where my life is. I know I share this a lot with the people in my life, my gratitude and happiness. And it may come off as bragging or being showy, but I don't care. There are so many times in our lives where all we share with others is our grief and sorrows, our negative thoughts and feelings. And I always wonder: why not share the joy as well?

As I walked through Quincy Market this past weekend, I was reminded of the last time that my Converse All Stars touched ground in that very same marketplace 4 years prior. While it had been during an exciting weekend of Dane Cook and visiting the Cheers bars, I took in the nostalgia of the past and took a long, hard look around me as I am now. It got me to thinking about how different I was those 4 years ago when those same shoes strolled down the cobblestone path. My sneakers had been fairly brand new, just beginning to be broken in. The black canvas was still clean and unscuffed. The white laces pristine and the soles still intact. But as I made my way back into the market this time around, time had taken its toll on my shoes. Many times through mud, inclement weather, and the washing machine had worn the canvas to a faded black. The laces dirtied with the memories of people stepping on my feet at various shows. And it was then I compared myself to my shoes: being the same, only worn a little more around the edges through years of wear and tear.

I know that I may still be myself, but time has definitely made me a lot wiser and stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have more confidence in the type of person that I want to be and all the things I want to accomplish. Hell, even in the beginning of this year, I have accomplished two of my new year's resolutions, working on the third one as I write to you now. While a couple years ago I was still unsure of where my life was going, I'm still unsure now, but with the determination to let life lead me in the direction it wants me to go. And just like my shoes, that has brought about many new and exciting adventures that bring me even closer to the person I want to be!

~Jenny Rockstar

Is it possible to be human?

While at home on a Saturday night (while Matt and the guys are jamming down in Ocean City, MD), I spent my time trying to figure out ways to keep myself amused and occupied. Let's face it: after this past week of catching up on EVERYTHING that I needed to, tonight I was at a loss of what to do. So, as a way to keep myself busy, I turned a website that has never let me down: YouTube. And in turn, I decided to start looking up some obscure videos of my favorite actors........in particular, Seth Rogen.

Now I remember seeing Seth Rogen in several different movies and TV shows that I grew up watching in high school. When Dawson's Creek was a hit TV show, I remember he made a cameo in an episode playing the one-night-stand of one of the supporting characters. Re-watching those scenes, I now have a deeper appreciation for his brand of humor and the way he seems to deliver lines. While his characters seem to always be similar in their demeanor and comedic value, I do love how he brings a distinct part of himself to each role. As I kept watching, I located old clips of Freaks and Geeks, one of his first shows (with which he was part of a cast of some of my favorite new actors), as well as a video of his early performances at age 13. Nothing but positive and meaningful clips.........until I reach the papparazzi clips.

Unfortunately, the papparazzi have a very negative view of Seth Rogen. In one particular clip, as they catch him walking down the street after grabbing lunch, he refuses to speak to any of them or keeps limited contact. After their encounter, I watched videos of these guys saying how Seth was horrible at showing fan appreciation because all he wants to do is sell his product to you and then blow you off, just like any entertainer.

After this clip in particular, it made me think about why someone would act so cold and indifferent to the camera and the answer is simple: THEY ARE NORMAL PEOPLE! Even during or after a performance or an appearance, an entertainer is just a person like you or me. While their faces are plastered everywhere, I'm sure there's that want and desire to have some time away from the cameras and away from the public. They run and hide to just retain some form of sanity. In fact, they crave the need to be alone and be with their thoughts just like anyone else. Just because they are famous does not make their needs any different from Joe Regular.  

I can relate in this instance, as even in the cover band world, the crowd gets so engrossed in the show that when all is said and done, their one hope is that the band is willing to party afterwards and continue giving of themselves. Sometimes, this is a possibility, as some fans are very down to earth and just want to hang out. Unfortunately, this is not the case all the time. I have encountered the fans that, for a lack of better phrasing, practically throw themselves onto the guys, despite wedding rings or girlfriends. Believe me, I've seen everything from girls blatantly inviting band members back to their rooms (with their spouses there and excluded from the invite) to girls who will grab one of the guys and force themself onto them.

Yet, just like any performer, it's a show.....and like any entertainer, they try to sell their product when they're in "show" mode. After that, however, all of the band members just have the opportunity to be normal people. Granted, the performance makes them look larger than life, yet they're just human. And like all humans, there's a need (and desire) to be normal.

~Jenny Rockstar