What it takes....

In the midst of wedding planning, I have been thinking about those who have married before us...and the ones to come...and what it all means. 

When I think about marriage, it's not all about the day or what's to come...it's the journey.

Roughly six months into our relationship, Matt asked me to move in with him. And while I was scared, I'm glad I took that risk. Sharing your space with someone else and learning how to work together became what cemented our bond.

And it got me thinking today about marriage....and how it's not the biggest step one can take.

Sure, it's a rather large step to make a commitment to someone by law, but personally....making the decision to live with your significant other requires a little bit more.

When you're with someone and you don't live together, there's space and the ability to avoid the hard conversations. But the thing is, when you do live together and those hard conversations come up, you learn to work through them. And in that, your relationship with that person changes in a way that strengthens the bond.

Through 6+ years, I feel more settled than I have with anyone else in my life. Matt and I still argue and disagree on things, but we work through it all. We laugh, cry, fight, share, cook, sing, dance, cuddle, dream, talk, smile, walk, and love....together.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's more than just hanging out. It's everything. It starts before you walk down the aisle, before you decide to share a last name. It starts with living together, being around one another all the time and still deciding that this is what you want. It's more than sex, it's more about emotional intimacy and less physical. 

It's everything you find that you have needed and even secretly wanted. 

When it comes down to it, this journey has been an amazing one. I can't wait to see what happens beyond the paper, beyond the flash and sparkle. I'm ready for continuing this story and writing all the new chapters along the way. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Calming the creative monster....

I have been experiencing a creative conundrum of sorts....

in the sense that I feel like I am crawling out of my skin not expressing myself creatively as of late.

Just the mere thought of downloading new songs sends my brain into an overload like any other. Picking up my camera the greatest high one can achieve. And even sitting here, pouring my thoughts out onto my little blog brings me solace more than a glass of wine and a good movie. (A good vinyl might just trump it.)

Life has thrown me so many curveballs as of late that I'm almost unsure of how to proceed from here. How do I find balance when time is so scarce as of late?

But I must press on. I must continue being who I am. I can't lose myself in the banality of every day existence. I won't let it happen. I'm more than just my job. My real career is being artistic and creative...and not being afraid to express that as much as possible.

With that said, I think I need a photography excursion soon. I am itching for it, just dying to get my camera strap wrapped around my wrist and explore for a while. To crouch down in the grass and capture the perfect shot. For so long, being behind a camera allowed me to heal and continue to experience life (and share it with those around me.) After a while I stopped being afraid of getting back in front of the camera. And now? I want to experience that rush again, the one where being behind the lens gave me the courage to share what was deep in my soul.

And as of late, to keep myself, I think I need to go back to that. To have my headphones at the ready, my camera on my hip, and the surroundings of a city abuzz with life to breathe in. I need something and I don't care how I get it. 

All I know is that if I don't....I'll never satisfy the itch. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Knowledge is some powerful stuff....

As I sat here going through old pictures I had left on my Canon Rebel (and finding pure solace in Lightroom and a possible NYC excursion soon), I couldn't help but think how much I've changed over the past six years. While I still have my moments where I can be irresponsible or just need to let loose, I feel more grounded and clear than I have in a long time. 

I've learned that it's okay to stay in on a weekend, by myself, and enjoy the quiet of my home. When Matt cannot be here, I miss him but I cherish these moments with my thoughts.

I've learned that alcohol is not always necessary. It's not always about partying or needing something to take the edge off. Even in college, just the mere thought of music studio time during finals brought me that rush that I needed. Sometimes just being behind a camera or having my head buried in a good book (or my notebook) brings a better high than a shot of Fireball.

I've learned that the world is full of toxic people, and it's okay that they are who they are, but that doesn't mean that they need to be in my life. Sometimes, walking away is the only answer, because continuing to just live with it is not good enough. 

I've learned that even when you don't believe it, love will find you again. And when it's right, you finally understand what all of those love songs talk about. (And that the idea of marriage can become exciting again.)

I've learned in that love that it's Matt or it's nobody. And anyone that came before was only there to teach me what I do (and don't) want in a relationship. (And that I won't settle for less than I am worth. Never again.)

I've learned that I'm braver and stronger than I even realize. I've weathered some rough storms, but I'm still here. Even when I felt ready to give up on myself, I kept pushing through for reasons I'm not even sure of. 

I've learned to be myself in a world where people try to change you because you don't fit their mold. I am who I want to be and even thinking for a second that attempting to correct that is necessary....is dumb.

I've learned that the real adventure in life is just living. It doesn't need to be anything extreme, but rather just grabbing the reins and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've learned that happiness is something that is not just for everyone else...it's for me too. And I need to make myself happy before others at times.  

I've learned that sometimes that taking a step back and into the background is healthy. Being the center of attention all the time can be exhausting. 

I've learned to laugh more, share emotions, indulge in the simple moments, cook more, cuddle more, read more, learn more, and simply just....be. 

But for now, time for me to start picking up the things that make me happy again. 

Time for new adventures.

~ Jenny Rockstar

Perspectively Confused

Lately, I've been finding myself searching for perspective.

With wedding plans underway, working as much as I possibly can (and still continuing to find more work to do to keep busy), and attempting to squeeze in as much fun and job as I can, I realize that maybe I'm going about life the wrong way.

While I do love to work hard, I'm in dire need of a break from everything. A break from life. Sure, I find that break in moments like cleaning my house and drawing a nice, hot bubble bath, but maybe a few days couldn't hurt. A chance to recharge and regroup.

Because lately, I've felt I don't have control of my life. And that's a tough pill to swallow. I need a chance to breathe for a few days. A chance to wake up and not have responsibility or worry. A chance to spend some time with Matt that doesn't require a serious discussion (even though we do still have lots of fun ones as well!)

Just a chance to get myself back onto level ground before I attempt to keep pushing myself. 

I know this stress won't last forever and in time, things will ease up and be better. But for now, I'm just finding it difficult to see the silver lining. 

Maybe in the interim, I should write more. Not for others, but for me. I feel like I've lost that integral part of who I am, that ability to sit and pour my heart out into a notebook...or a laptop. 

I need to stop saying I am going to write and just write. Otherwise, what else do I have to look forward to?

Well, of course the wedding, but for me....what's in this life for me?

Guess I need to start figuring that out.

~ Jenn

So take me home...

Matt reminded me today that because of the moments we have shared and all the fun we have had there, Atlantic City truly is one of "our" places. And I would have to agree with that statement.

I can recall many wonderful moments when we had the chance to book a room for the night when Matt had shows at either that particular casino or a neighboring one. And like the many times before, we'd enjoy some drinks and laughter with our friends, a few hilarious moments at the tables or pool, or the best conversations/random bits of hilarity back in the room. And just like every AC trip ends, Matt has partied the hardest and I'm driving us home while he sleeps in the passenger seat. 

On the way home today, it got me thinking about how lucky I am to live in a state where one minute I could be at home, the next head out to the beach, take a train into the city one day and head down to the casino another time. And if I truly wanted to see horses, I could drive 5 minutes down the road. 

New Jersey is home to me and I am fiercely protective of those who choose to share with me how much they think it smells, or that they pay to go on the beach, or that there's so much traffic, or that it's a wasteland. (Frankly, if all you can say is that it smells, then obviously you haven't been beyond the Turnpike around Newark Airport.) 

While driving today, with my iTunes playlist blaring some Beach House and the sun out in all its glory, I took in my surroundings. On the way to the Parkway from Atlantic City, there was nothing but miles of glimmering water breaking against the rocks, sandy shores, and blue skies. And I felt calm, knowing that all I needed was with me right at that moment. The calming waters, my love blissfully asleep in the passenger seat, and the road ahead of me. I felt at home.

I've heard many interpretations, but in my opinion home is more than just a person or a place where you're understood. 

Home is a place that is filled with a healthy balance of normalcy and crazy, a place to be with your thoughts. 

Home is Matt, my friends and family. 

Home is my notebook or a piano. 

Home is a fire in the backyard, coupled with a glass of wine and chirping birds. 

Home is one of Matt's shows, where I can dance and let loose. 

Home is a New Girl marathon and take-out sushi on a night by myself.

Home is talking to an old friend and catching up.

Home is being sad and feeling lost every once in a while.

Home is the excitement of being on a train to NYC and being dwarfed by all the skyscrapers.

Home is the excitement of knowing that I'm heading home to Matt.

Home is being surrounded by children.

Home is the first jump into a swimming pool to commemorate summer.

Home is riding a bicycle downhill, letting the wind whip my hair around.

Home is New Jersey, where I can be sitting at a diner at 2:00 am with friends laughing my ass off about the most random things...or watching the sunrise with Matt on the beach in Spring Lake. 

Home....is my life. 

And it's priceless.

~ Jenny Rockstar

What the world needs now is love....among other things

When I heard of the tragedy in Boston, I couldn't help but have a brief flashback to my freshman year of college and hearing about the Twin Towers. Two completely different moments of American vulnerability, but still sad.

I thought of people I knew running in the marathon and how scared they must be.

I thought of my family members who could have potentially been in Boston today.

I thought of my friends who live there.

I thought of the families/friends/fans who witnessed the event and what was going through their mind amid the chaos. 

And the mere thought that people still don't know how to live with one another without malice and hate...that's what upsets me the most. At work, I held back tears and pushed through the remainder of the day. On my way home, Matt & I discussed the potential new war that would be created if this were started by another country. (Frankly, I'm sick of war...when does it end?) And the minute that I walked through my front door, I couldn't wait to hug Matt and sit down to a delicious dinner with him so we could share our day.

Most of the time, we forget to appreciate those simple moments. Yes, I could dwell on what happened and just live in that sadness, but I don't want to. I will keep those in Boston in my thoughts and hope that those who have the chance to recover from this can. (And for those who gave their lives...I offer condolences to their families and hope they find peace.) 

Instead of dwelling, I went for a bike ride with Matt on our brand-new beach cruisers. (Matt's bike is mint green and blue, while mine is this sunny yellow. Very fitting for our bright personalities.) And in our brief 15-minute ride around the park just to test out our cool purchases, I couldn't help but genuinely smile, let my hair down and live in that moment with child-like wonder. Every little stress melting away as I rode carefree on the sidewalk, squealing with laughter at each dip and rise. There was even a moment where Matt & I rode side-by-side, beginning to understand which streets would be better for casual biking. A small moment, yes...yet meaningful in a way that was needed today. 

Tonight, most of us will be glued to our television sets to find out any updates we can. But with it, don't forget that it shouldn't be moments of tragedy that make you understand the importance of living life for the simple things. It should help you appreciate those simple moments even more, live those simple moments a little more, do anything to make time for those simple moments. You never know what's going to happen. 

Instead of focusing on our political leaders or dedicating time to sharing opinions on things that frankly just don't matter, spend time on people and things that will matter. (Because let's face it, we won't all completely agree on everything and it's dumb to think we will. Besides, our differences are what make us great! And no matter who is in office or leading the state or country, we'll be screwed anyway. No need to reiterate the obvious.)

There's enough hatred in the world...I'm ready to start taking away its power as much as I can with love, positivity and hope. 

Who's with me?

~Jenny Rockstar

You take away the breath I was keeping for sunrise...

This morning, while Matt & I were up at 4:00 am (oddly enough) watching three days worth of DVR'd Jeopardy, the idea of catching the sunrise this morning was brought into play. Matt had never had the chance to watch the sun rise while on the beach, giving us one hell of an opportunity with timing. 

So by 5:20 am, a plan was solidified and with a cup of hot coffee, layers of clothes, my camera, and an eager boyfriend, we set off for Spring Lake Beach to partake in one of nature's most beautiful moments. (And a first for me to watch the sunrise with a significant other - I have had the pleasure of witnessing this phenomenon at least once before with friends when I was 18.)

While the days have been getting slightly warmer, don't let "spring" fool you...it was freezing this morning. (Shortly after leaving the beach, my hands took turns thawing out on the heater...yes, while driving.) But when we arrived, the familiar pinkish hue started to peek out from the horizon. 

Grabbing our gear, as Matt had decided his acoustic guitar (that he didn't even use) was needed, we set out in the morning chill. The beach had a serene quality in the aftermath of Sandy. The boardwalk was completely washed away as obvious by the cement foundations lining the beginning of the beach. It felt weird walking in between them, finally witnessing the aftermath after months of trying to avoid it. 

The scene was absolutely breath-taking. A moment that, since Matt and I were the only ones on the beach (or at least from what we saw), it felt like we were the only two people witnessing this glorious occurrence. All the colors that Matt hopes to capture in one of his paintings, beauty that I almost felt my camera could not fully capture, and a momentary feeling of peace and euphoria. 

With my camera, I felt invincible. I felt my stride come back, adjusting the settings as I sought to capture the way the sun peeked out from the horizon, casting its shimmering glow onto the ocean. Matt looking like a miniature when placed in front of the vastness of the water. (Watching that child-like wonder made me fall in love with him all over again.) 

This morning felt like a revelation, a breather, an epiphany. I have spent so much time lately trying to be perfect at everything...except being myself. I've neglected that for a while now. Only recently did I start to feel like discovering music with passion again. Only recently did I start bringing books to read at any random moment I have. Only recently did I start breaking into my vinyl collection for a few hours every week while cleaning (or reading). 

The sunrise stays true to itself, shining as bright as it can and letting the world see its natural beauty. I need to be like the sunrise. I need to stop hiding below the horizon and find me. So far, I've done a great job of getting to myself, but I have a long way to go still. I have yet to peek out from that horizon. That's the hardest part. 

So with a calmed mind and a sense of purpose, I continue to push harder, to be the person I know I need to be. To be the sunrise and shine bright. To aspire to what I know I'm capable of, rather than settling for what I think I'm worth. It's going to be beautiful. It's going to be adventurous. 

And damn it, it's going to be breath-taking.

~ Jenny Rockstar

And now for something a little more challenging...

I'm ready to write more this year. Whenever I don't spend a ridiculous amount of time writing down things, I tend to just lose myself completely. 

This year, I'm making more of an effort to write down as many of my thoughts as possible. I'm going to start a project (and finish it.) I want to travel and document those travels. I want to breathe in music and share whatever words those melodies possess me to write. 

Yup, 2013...challenge accepted.

~ Jenny Rockstar

Being thankful for the present...

Another Thanksgiving come and gone...

and so many reasons to be thankful.

Today Matt & I had the chance to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Normally we spend it with his mother and cook, stuff our faces, drink lots of wine, and pass out at her house. Unfortunately, due to the storm, our yearly plans were changed and off Matt & I went to join in my family's yearly tradition. 

Firstly, it starts with several people coming over...roughly 30 or so. But the best part is seeing my stepbrothers and their wives, my nieces, my nephew, and my parents (just to name a few). I always enjoy spending time with all of them, even though free time to include Matt is always limited. 

But being surrounded by love, laughter, joy, and all the food we could scarf down? I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Hanging out with Scott, Matt, and my father on the deck listening to "Family Guy: Live in Vegas"...normal dinner hijinx with my Uncle Mark...watching Matty's "Rock C-3PO" video he made (and Lexi and I wanting to post that on YouTube)...even hearing Karen (my sister-in-law) tell her youngest one, Maggie, to give "Uncle Matt" a kiss goodbye. 

And in these moments, I contemplated the meaning of "thankful."

I have thought about the notion of being thankful more and more recently. In the past, I thought I was thankful for the right reasons (and right people). It would take a holiday to remind me the reasons I had to be grateful for all that I had. But now, more than ever, I feel grateful every single day for my life. And that's the best way to be thankful, when you feel that feeling each day for the people in your life, for the roof over your head, food on your table, and the love and kindness surrounding you. 

Maybe it's the holiday spirit, maybe it's the Christmas mix I spent time making for my iTunes (that is now playing through my surround sound), or maybe all of the tasty wine I had with dinner...but I just can't help but want to smile and be happy that this is the turn my life took. That this is where I am, rather than where I might have been. With an extended family filled with love and kindness, a man who always wants to share his love and life with me, a blossoming career that keeps getting better with each step I take, and the greatest friends in the world.

This is truly the best life ever.

~ Jenny Rockstar

The Power of Hope

As I sit here with Matt in his mother's house (because our house is going on day 6 with no power), I can't help but feel grateful for everything in my life at this moment. There are so many people who have lost everything they own...and then some. 

While Sandy barreled through our state (and the ones neighboring us), the NJ I grew up in has forever changed. The piers at Seaside are gone, a place where I spent much time with my family, friends, current and past loves. I can't even go back to those special spots...they're scattered all up and down the coastline.

On Thursday, when Matt & I had ventured out to check on Matt's mother in Point Pleasant, we were greeted by the sight of National Guard trucks standing guard at Bayhead (and patrolling parts of Point Pleasant), people emptying their lives into garbage bags at the curb, and the feeling of hopelessness. Homes were destroyed, entire towns washed away, the geography of our "backyard" changed within a matter of hours. We even went to Point Pleasant Beach, where I saw the Tiki Bar, a source of most of our summer fun, missing the entire back half that is now strewn all along the coast. Needless to say, my heart truly broke in those moments.

We've all tried to stay strong...and yet we reach our breaking points. I've seen many break down and cry (myself included). It's a war zone, in a community that used to bring nothing but joy and fill up summers and summers worth of childhood memories. 

Yet despite all of it, I'm going to smile. I smile for the sense of community I see as we help one another. I smile for every hug I have been able to give and receive. I smile for every person I have been able to encounter. I smile for appreciating the simple things, like light, heat, a comfy bed, hot coffee. I smile knowing that I've been in touch with several of my friends and loved ones, putting them (and myself) at ease just with a simple text, tweet, FB update, phone call. I smile, because being angry, sad, and depressed just can't be anymore. We can't be hurting one another, lashing out at each other, trying to see who has it worse. We've all suffered, we're all hurting, we're all human, and we should all be grateful when we hear the positive things. Those little positives are what have helped me get through days with at least a smile or two.

I've cried (and probably will continue to), but I'm stronger. We're stronger than this. We will rebuild. We will bounce back in time. We will learn from this and return with a vengeance! Everything is replaceable. It may not be the same as we remember, but we can come close. And why? 

Because as East Coasters, we're superheroes. 

~ Jenny Rockstar