Compromise.
It's something that I try to not do a lot of, despite the fact that I find myself giving in more times than not to what other people think I should be doing with my life. Every day, I find that my choices are a constant compromise, whether it be to do what my friends would like to do, eat what my boyfriend wants to eat, even give up control of the remote to keep others happy. Day after day, I find that the word compromise, while rough for me to accept, has become part of my daily routine.
Now I know there's nothing wrong with it, yet I can't help but feel that a couple days ago, the idea of compromise finally hit that wall in my life.......into the one place I don't want it to go.........my dreams. In today's day and age, it's hard to find jobs that allow me the opportunity to pursue my dreams. What can I say? I love to write! And for writers, a job is something that is few and far between. So instead, I do school photography when the season is in full swing to make up for the lack of completion in my dreams. Because frankly, all I want to do is capture what's going on around me. While photography allows me to do that in an image form.......the idea of getting to explain in words the daily ins and outs of my life......that's what fascinates me more! A picture can sum it up, but words present the bigger challenge.
I've always known that I've wanted to be a writer......well, not entirely true. When I was about five I wanted to be a nurse. Of course, after having the opportunity to participate in more writing exercises in school, I found myself more fascinated with writing. I started begging my parents to get me notebooks. I would fill the pages with ideas for stories and poems that were rattling around in my head. Silly little things, like mysteries and alternate endings to some of my favorite stories; concepts that came from my own imagination. I could create characters that were funny, others that were serious, some that were evil (with a touch of humanity), anything that I wanted them to be. By middle school, I was filling the pages with plays and plots. And while I may not have been a gifted playwright, I didn't care.
I wrote for myself and no one else.
I wrote because it gave me the opportunity to escape into a world that was all mine.
I wrote just because if I didn't, I felt like my heart and mind would burst without releasing all that creative energy that flowed throughout me.
High School allowed me the opportunity to pursue more poetry.....and I LOVED it! Where daily prose was becoming more mundane, the ideas of verses and stanzas fascinated me in a way it never had before I became a freshman. I fell in love with all the classics: Shakespeare, Robert Browning, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost. Their words were simple in meaning, yet legendary in their impact. I never went anywhere without my trusty notebook secured in my messenger bag........lines slowly forming in my head as I encountered everyday life. I couldn't help myself, I was in love with writing.......a love affair that has lasted even until now. By the time college arrived, my perspective on poetry changed as I returned to prose.
Creative Writing was something that I had wanted to pursue in college, yet was encouraged to not make a life-long career out of it. Instead, I changed over to journalism, which shaped my writing style in a way that I still use to this day. The notion of capturing a story and writing it in a way to interest others became my goal. I could be creative within the confines of reason, give my writing an outlet to become more realistic and tangible. I felt whole whenever I had the opportunity to share my work with others, because I knew that what I was writing was important to me. I knew that people were listening to my voice and liking what they heard.
Then, between 2005-2007.........I lost my voice. Where I had been so eager to share my life, I found more opposition than praise for my words. The worst thing one could do is to silence the voice in their heart, even when people don't like what you write. I felt alone, confused, and struggled to find the words in my soul to fill the pages. Anything I wrote during that time was confining, fake, and sometimes meaningless to me. I tried to make myself believe anything I placed onto paper or in word documents, seeking that passion I had had for so long. In December 2007, I took a hiatus from writing anything for about a month.......because I needed to figure out who I was. I had spent so much time in those past two years confining to the standards of others that I had forgotten what it meant to write for myself. To bleed my soul into my entries the way I used to when I would write in a diary.
As 2008 began and the new year came into view, I renewed my love of writing. Slowly, I began writing about anything that would pop into my mind, anything at all. Whether it be frustration over my life, or contemplation of a song that I was enjoying at that moment. Sometimes I shared things about myself that I had told nobody about and in turn, I found new readers sharing their own secrets with me. I made connections with a new audience, one that urged me to keep writing and to keep bestowing my advice about life and lessons learned to them.
These past two years have brought me back to who I want to be: the writer. While I have done photography as well, I have found more solace with my head buried in a notebook, my pen furiously scribbling away thoughts and ideas I want to share........even my trusty laptop has taken the brunt of my creative juices. So now, while I feel that compromising my dreams of being a well-known writer are trying to push their way through.......I REFUSE to let that happen. Because the journey I've had with writing has been one that has been more exhilarating than any roller-coaster ride I've experienced, more stressful than any test I've studied for, and more rewarding than any job I've had up until now.
Because I know that writing is more than just a job for me.......it's my career path. It's what I want to be doing with my life. I could wake up in the morning and have words to write until I go to bed. The mere idea of getting to write for the rest of my life consumes every part of me and I cannot help but feel grateful that while it may be hard for me to get there, I'm going to do what I need to do to make my writing something more than just a hobby..........I'm going to dedicate my life to it.
~Jenny Rockstar
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