Trusting My Instincts

As the girlfriend of a musician, it sometimes gets difficult when I can't be at a show. There are those times that no matter how many shows I see, it just isn't feasible or possible for me to come see the show.......and it may suck, but it's okay. Our time apart is always a good time to spend with our friends, as well as give us perspective on our relationship. It always makes our time together a lot more meaningful to the both of us!

I'll also admit that sometimes, it makes me think about the girls that will hit on Matt when I'm not there. I'm not stupid, I know that there are many females in the audience who are into the idea of scoring a band member for the night, thinking that they have a chance with any member that is on that stage. In fact, I've been present at a few shows where girls, who knew I was there after Matt told them I was there, still tried to invite him back to their room. Needless to say, if I had heard them, I would've walked over and gladly introduced myself, shattering the illusion!

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that girls hit on Matt. Quite the contrary, I find it flattering that women find him attractive, because it's also a nice reminder of what a wonderful guy I have in my life. If there are other girls noticing what I see in him and trying to be a part of that, it can get annoying at times, but it shows me that I've found someone worth knowing. 

But getting back on topic, it got me thinking to what constitutes "crossing the line," so to speak. I know it's important that these very girls who like to flirt with the guys come out to as many shows as possible......this is the target audience that will help the fan base grow exponentially. For this, I am cool with Matt having to go talk to the ladies. Most of my friends will not understand this, because they think that he should come be around me for the night, but it's also his job to go out and meet the audience. And I'm completely cool with that. If I wasn't, then what I am doing dating a musician in the first place? 

It's not like I haven't been on the opposite end of this discussion. Even when I'm out at shows to see friends who are musicians, I have found that sometimes their significant others tend to get a little jealous or weird that I talk to their man. It's nothing more than friendship, being that I'm in my own relationship, but I couldn't help but really consider why anyone would be jealous or upset with me in the first place. Call it insecurity, call it jealousy, call it whatever you want.....but it showed me something. There are also girls that come out to shows that I know are in my position, just out to see their friends and nothing more. Now why am I comfortable with them and not with the other girls?

Thinking about this made me ponder the core values of a relationship.....and it got me to the first HUGE part of it: trust. I trust Matt. I don't trust those other girls. I never will trust those other girls. And I never have to trust those other girls. They haven't given me reason to with their behavior. Instead, I put my faith in the only person I need to believe in. Does it suck when I've met and conversed with girls who disrespect me? Yes. But in the end, they're not with Matt......and I am. 

So at least for a gig here and there, we're apart......but it makes our time together just that much more special.

~Jenny Rockstar


I let my music take me where my heart wants to go.......

Whenever I need a mellow moment or a boost of confidence, I always look to music to bring me through. Sure, I have an extensive collection of music that would impress just about anyone. Whether it be my knowledge of Beatles songs or a slight fascination with Van Morrison's Astral Weeks album, I give everything I find a fair chance on my music player. 

Music has been one of the very few things, aside from writing, that has kept me grounded. Any time that I have felt lost or confused, I can always find a song to empower and enlighten me in ways that I never thought possible. Hope is never lost when you have a song in your heart to remind you that things will always get better and that in those harder moments, perseverance will get you through. 

Lately, while continuing to be a rockstar, I've been writing more about the frustration I've had with pursuing the things I love to do. While I wish I could be doing those things immediately, I know that the process of getting there will be a slow and steady one. It comes with some uneasiness and sometimes not being as happy as I hope to be......but I know that as long as I hold onto those things that I love and keep on pushing through, I'm going to make it. There's no challenge too large for me and no task too difficult......even though the stress is overwhelming.

But whenever I find the right music for my mood, suddenly all those barriers fade away and I find myself swimming in the melody of the song and its glorious words! Every line brings me closer to that determination that I need to push through. Every chorus an epiphany......and sometimes within the verses, I discover clarity to a rather hazy situation. I see the Pulitzer Prize........I see the byline in Rolling Stone......I see my future going just where I'd hoped it would go. 

I know not everyone gets the same feeling that I do with music, but I don't expect people to understand. Instead, all I can hope for is that I continue feeling the same way about the things I love instead of losing that hope and drive that it has given me all these years. 

~Jenny Rockstar


Gimme Some Truth.......

As I sit here in my living room, winding down from another wild weekend with candlelight and some Rufus Wainwright, I have thought a lot about respect and appreciation. And just like with any other moment that it enters my mind, I feel that it is continually tested on a week-to-week basis. Whether it be at my job with the kids who refuse to pose for me and instead want to mouth off......or even some random person in the audience who decides that lashing out is necessary to make their ego feel less bruised at the end of the night, I feel a constant test of just how much I can take. 

But after this past weekend, I've realized that in my heart, I already know who I can trust first and foremost: myself. For so long, I have always second-guessed myself and what I want out of life. When I feel I have it all figured out, I realize I really don't. Back in high school, I wanted to write and be a famous poet. In college, I became more interested in journalism, even though my post-college efforts of trying to utilize that degree has been slow going......which leads me up to present day. With my path slowly being formed the way I want it to go, I know that I need to trust my instincts a little more and remember that I can do anything I dream of just as long as I'm happy. 

I don't need anyone's approval to be who I am, nor do I expect it. The right people stick around and encourage me to pursue what I love, sometimes even give me a clue on how to continue down the path. And for the people who have nothing better to do but break me, I've learned that their opinions, like those of a complete stranger, don't matter to me. I may do things to advance my career path, but I also do things because I love to do them! Whether it be picking up my camera and capturing moments, having in-depth discussions about life and goals for some insight, or even sitting down and writing out my thoughts and ideas to process what's going on in my life.   

I'm Jenn. I'm kind, caring, helpful. If you know me well I can wear my heart on my sleeve, but hurting me results in a long road back to that original me. I love life and everything about it. Simple things like listening to vinyl records with a glass of wine or browsing the nearest bookstore make me smile as bright as the sun.......aside from Matt. When I'm in my element, I forget what stress or anxiety feel like and start to remember how important it is to dream big and reach for the stars. I love being a kid whenever the opportunity presents itself, because while adulthood is part of life, you should never stop having that child-like spirit.....and I don't care who feels that acting like a kid is beneath them, because it's not.

So after another crazy weekend, I get to put away my camera and instead put on my most comfy of pjs. And in those quiet moments of winding down, I know that in the end, I have myself (and Matt) and that's the most important part of all.

~Jenny Rockstar~


The Digital Age.......worth the price?

I'm not afraid to admit that when it comes to music: I LOVE IT! I've always had a soft spot for the arts and I always will. From huge concert venue bands to coffee-shop artists, I love listening to them all and giving each one a fair shot on my iPod. Some of my favorite music comes from random albums given to me.....or even just randomly flipping through the recommendations on iTunes.

Recently, one of my high school peers sent me his demo cd and just like with anything new, I excitedly popped it into my cd player and took a listen. I was taken back a little by the quality of the album, which has a slightly rough, but definitely well-written feel. Every track kept me interested, the lyrics simple in their conveyed meaning and by the end.....the demo became a part of my ever-growing iTunes collection. But that's not what amazes me.

What amazes me that when I looked to see where it was recorded, I realized that it was done all by computer in his bedroom. In the age of technology, there have been several advances in many fields. Now, we can order our sandwiches electronically at a convenience store, have machines count our change at the bank, and create our own albums and movies using handheld equipment and programs we can purchase at Best Buy. Gone are the days where you had to go into a studio to produce your own album or edit your movies for showing. 

Technology has become something we have come to rely on in this day and age. Oddly enough, I fall just on the line of knowing what it was like before we had this advanced technology. You were considered wealthy if you had ONE desktop computer in your house, let alone the internet. In 7th grade, I was just beginning to understand what AOL was and how Instant Messenger and chat rooms functioned. Nowadays, I can function on a higher level with internet pages and social media. All instant messaging can be consolidated to one window instead of having to open several programs to use each one. And even though I don't consider it to be a huge deal, it amazes people when they ask me the simplest of computer questions and I'm able to direct them where they need to go.

But sometimes, I miss childhood. I miss that whole feeling of spending time outside playing instead of cooped up inside doing work. I miss when instead of calling up a friend on your cell to chat, you would go to their house to see if they were home instead. I miss Barbie Dream Cars and Saturday morning cartoons in your feetie pajamas. And most of all, I miss that tangible quality to life that technology just can't give you. An Amazon Kindle doesn't smell the same as a musty old book that's filled with history and an iPod, while incredibly awesome to have, doesn't have the same sound as listening to "The White Album" on vinyl. 

I'm not knocking the advancements in technology, but sometimes I do feel that we're too reliant on it for the simplest of tasks in life. We forget what it's like when our cell phones have a dead battery or get lost, panicking in the process of trying to find what we feel is our link to the outside. Or what happens when our iPod refuses to turn on and we need to resort to another method of blocking out the world when we're in public. Hell, I've seen several posts about people feeling completely lost when their computers finally break and they need to be fixed. It makes me question whether or not anyone remembers what we did before technology took over our lives.

So while I may be well past bumming a ride from my parents to a friend's house, I climb into my own car and pop on my friend's album, jamming out to the music at the top of my lungs. While technology has a huge, conflicting influence on my life (and mind), I can still appreciate how it has revolutionized the way we receive media and function daily. And maybe sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could do without it.

~Jenny Rockstar