What it takes....

In the midst of wedding planning, I have been thinking about those who have married before us...and the ones to come...and what it all means. 

When I think about marriage, it's not all about the day or what's to come...it's the journey.

Roughly six months into our relationship, Matt asked me to move in with him. And while I was scared, I'm glad I took that risk. Sharing your space with someone else and learning how to work together became what cemented our bond.

And it got me thinking today about marriage....and how it's not the biggest step one can take.

Sure, it's a rather large step to make a commitment to someone by law, but personally....making the decision to live with your significant other requires a little bit more.

When you're with someone and you don't live together, there's space and the ability to avoid the hard conversations. But the thing is, when you do live together and those hard conversations come up, you learn to work through them. And in that, your relationship with that person changes in a way that strengthens the bond.

Through 6+ years, I feel more settled than I have with anyone else in my life. Matt and I still argue and disagree on things, but we work through it all. We laugh, cry, fight, share, cook, sing, dance, cuddle, dream, talk, smile, walk, and love....together.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's more than just hanging out. It's everything. It starts before you walk down the aisle, before you decide to share a last name. It starts with living together, being around one another all the time and still deciding that this is what you want. It's more than sex, it's more about emotional intimacy and less physical. 

It's everything you find that you have needed and even secretly wanted. 

When it comes down to it, this journey has been an amazing one. I can't wait to see what happens beyond the paper, beyond the flash and sparkle. I'm ready for continuing this story and writing all the new chapters along the way. 

~ Jenny Rockstar


Calming the creative monster....

I have been experiencing a creative conundrum of sorts....

in the sense that I feel like I am crawling out of my skin not expressing myself creatively as of late.

Just the mere thought of downloading new songs sends my brain into an overload like any other. Picking up my camera the greatest high one can achieve. And even sitting here, pouring my thoughts out onto my little blog brings me solace more than a glass of wine and a good movie. (A good vinyl might just trump it.)

Life has thrown me so many curveballs as of late that I'm almost unsure of how to proceed from here. How do I find balance when time is so scarce as of late?

But I must press on. I must continue being who I am. I can't lose myself in the banality of every day existence. I won't let it happen. I'm more than just my job. My real career is being artistic and creative...and not being afraid to express that as much as possible.

With that said, I think I need a photography excursion soon. I am itching for it, just dying to get my camera strap wrapped around my wrist and explore for a while. To crouch down in the grass and capture the perfect shot. For so long, being behind a camera allowed me to heal and continue to experience life (and share it with those around me.) After a while I stopped being afraid of getting back in front of the camera. And now? I want to experience that rush again, the one where being behind the lens gave me the courage to share what was deep in my soul.

And as of late, to keep myself, I think I need to go back to that. To have my headphones at the ready, my camera on my hip, and the surroundings of a city abuzz with life to breathe in. I need something and I don't care how I get it. 

All I know is that if I don't....I'll never satisfy the itch. 

~ Jenny Rockstar


Knowledge is some powerful stuff....

As I sat here going through old pictures I had left on my Canon Rebel (and finding pure solace in Lightroom and a possible NYC excursion soon), I couldn't help but think how much I've changed over the past six years. While I still have my moments where I can be irresponsible or just need to let loose, I feel more grounded and clear than I have in a long time. 

I've learned that it's okay to stay in on a weekend, by myself, and enjoy the quiet of my home. When Matt cannot be here, I miss him but I cherish these moments with my thoughts.

I've learned that alcohol is not always necessary. It's not always about partying or needing something to take the edge off. Even in college, just the mere thought of music studio time during finals brought me that rush that I needed. Sometimes just being behind a camera or having my head buried in a good book (or my notebook) brings a better high than a shot of Fireball.

I've learned that the world is full of toxic people, and it's okay that they are who they are, but that doesn't mean that they need to be in my life. Sometimes, walking away is the only answer, because continuing to just live with it is not good enough. 

I've learned that even when you don't believe it, love will find you again. And when it's right, you finally understand what all of those love songs talk about. (And that the idea of marriage can become exciting again.)

I've learned in that love that it's Matt or it's nobody. And anyone that came before was only there to teach me what I do (and don't) want in a relationship. (And that I won't settle for less than I am worth. Never again.)

I've learned that I'm braver and stronger than I even realize. I've weathered some rough storms, but I'm still here. Even when I felt ready to give up on myself, I kept pushing through for reasons I'm not even sure of. 

I've learned to be myself in a world where people try to change you because you don't fit their mold. I am who I want to be and even thinking for a second that attempting to correct that is necessary....is dumb.

I've learned that the real adventure in life is just living. It doesn't need to be anything extreme, but rather just grabbing the reins and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've learned that happiness is something that is not just for everyone else...it's for me too. And I need to make myself happy before others at times.  

I've learned that sometimes that taking a step back and into the background is healthy. Being the center of attention all the time can be exhausting. 

I've learned to laugh more, share emotions, indulge in the simple moments, cook more, cuddle more, read more, learn more, and simply just....be. 

But for now, time for me to start picking up the things that make me happy again. 

Time for new adventures.

~ Jenny Rockstar