my fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown....

Another beautiful morning with my iced coffee and a calm unlike any other I have experienced before...for those who knock the Jersey Shore and all its beauty, you don't know what you're missing.

While on a Johnny Rivers and Rod Stewart kick this morning, I thought about scars - we all have them. Whether they're small or healed, raw & gaping still, or internal (one that I know all about), we have them. And this morning, I thought about my scars.

I know that sometimes my sincerity comes off as being fake, but that's it...what you see is what you get with me. I find being nice is important and sometimes...being a bitch gets the point across. Nobody should assume they know me. I'm nice, but I've taken my licks and I've gotten back up more times than most people in my life know. I've seen the "bottom" and crawled my way back up, no matter how daunting the task seemed. It's been brutal, troublesome, exhausting, rough....

And look at me now, I made it here

I'm tired of looking at my scars and reflecting on them all the time. This was the first morning in a long while where I just sat outside, headphones carefully secured, another iced coffee ready for consumption...and I breathed in the air around me. I felt the pain leave, the insecurity disperse, and my heart felt light. The wind rustled the trees in admiration, the birds chirped approval, my thoughts stopped feeling so dark and instead continued to focus on the beauty. It felt....glorious.

I will always have those moments that define who I am and I will remember them (and reflect from time to time), but I can't live in their shadow anymore. It's exhausting beating a dead horse. I have bigger things to worry about and those things are part of something beautiful...and exhilarating. A new chapter in my journey. I'm ready to leave the old ones behind me, as far behind me as I can. 

I don't expect everyone to understand....but I'm glad that I finally do. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

No comments:

Post a Comment