I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine...

I'm not normally a morning person, except when it comes to Sundays.

It's then while Matt remains asleep after a late show that I find myself just breathing the day in. So many of us relish in our Fridays and Saturdays, but it's Sunday that I enjoy as a day of reflection and perspective.

While it's quiet in the house. With the birds happily chirping away in celebration of the beautiful, sunny weather. As I lounge in my pajamas, headphones perfectly in place (and on low for a change, as I enjoy the quieter moments too). And in this moment I am happy, as everything is in its place and I can clear the remaining clutter of the week before the next bout of craziness begins.

I've been delving back into Fiona Apple as of late...but I haven't been sad. Normally, I associate the bitter, reality-driven songstress with the hardships in my life. But not today. For now, I'm ready to put those skeletons away and face the fear. I'm tired of feeling hurt or scarred. My scars will always be there, as some are not externally visible...but that's alright with me. I feel each one and know that if it wasn't for those scars, the beautiful moments may not mean as much.

Her music is beautiful, haunting at times, but always has this message that I just want to stitch into my heart. She knows me, it seems, almost as well as everyone else in life. 

There's a lyric that has resonated with me for several years: be kind to me, or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine. 

I am extraordinary, and strong, and resilient, yet tender, sensitive, and warm all the same. That realization is slightly jarring, but gives me hope that I will never have to change so much that I lose my sense of self. I refuse to let the world harden me too much, or any one person cause a sense of "walls" needing to be built. I'll be protective against those who seek to destroy me, but I won't close off the world. I'm done with that. What does closing one's self off to everyone else accomplish? Nothing. 

It's exhausting...and I'm tired of working so hard to make sure I do things like everyone else. 

Why do I need to change? 

Why do I have to fit this mold? 

It's stupid. 

Isn't individuality prized anymore? 

Frankly, I'm just done with being aware of whether others like me or not. I was fine being myself without others accepting of it for a long time. (Luckily, I am now surrounded by people who appreciate me for who I am.) There's no need to make everyone like me. I like myself. And those in my life like me too. 

For those yet to come, just be you, let me be me, and we'll be good. 

And trust me, if it's good...then that's beautiful.

Jenn's Fiona Playlist:

1) Extraordinary Machine - Fiona Apple
2) Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
3) O Sailor - Fiona Apple
4) Better Version of Me - Fiona Apple
5) Valentine - Fiona Apple
6) Across The Universe - Fiona Apple Version
7) Never Is A Promise - Fiona Apple
8) Carrion - Fiona Apple
9) Parting Gift - Fiona Apple
10) Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple

~ Jenny Rockstar

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