I think Oscar Wilde had it right....
Sometimes (or actually quite a bit), I tend to reminisce about the past and how it brought me to where I am now. I look through old pictures, books of memories I have saved, listen to songs during that I had listened to during that time. Last night was no exception.
As I sat there with my book of memories open and flipping through my iPod for music, I felt the urge to put on the soundtrack for The Last Five Years. Flipping through the familiar tracks and re-living those memories, I reflected on where I was at that point in my life....2005.
Just out of college with the world ahead of me, I was still rather sad....even if I didn't want to acknowledge it at the time. I kept deluding myself that I was truly happy, even though I felt like I couldn't be myself for fear of rejection. Instead, I allowed others to mold & form me into an individual that today, I would probably sit down and lecture for their behavior. I was isolated from my old self, the one that loved to dance and sing and fill life with beauty and vibrancy.
The world felt like it was on my shoulders, literally. I had a family to keep happy, a bf to keep happy, friends to keep happy, a quest to find a job, a dream I was afraid I wouldn't reach and the nagging thought of rejection preying on my mind. I was a mess in many ways. When you graduate college, people think it's common to find cocky, confident graduates thinking they were going to make it. I wasn't one of them. I put up a good front that I was, but I worried about failing more times than anyone will ever know.
2005 was a lonely time, but not the worst one. (I think 2007 gets that honor.) It has taken me a long time to catch up with all those things I missed out on during that time, but I've finally gotten there. The past taught me to never let anything hold me back, whether it be a relationship, a job, my own insecurities, even a loved one. If it's what I want, people will understand.
I know it's not the end of me occasionally looking back on my past, but I know that my future looks a lot brighter than I can understand. It's what I make of it....not what others want it to be.
Finally, I get to be myself.