As the wedding draws nearer and nearer, I can't help but just get so excited about the prospect of marrying Matt.
Even before we started on the path to engagement and marriage, it was obvious to pretty much everyone around us that Matt and I were inevitably going to be together forever. And even in the beginning of our relationship, I think I knew (even if I fought that feeling tooth and nail).
Matt, when we first started hanging out and dating, was a breath of fresh air. After my previous relationship ended, I felt very broken...and unsure of what my future held. I thought that there wasn't anything out there for me. It was lonely, but I forged ahead in life as strong as I could. I was tired of trying to work for a relationship where it felt like I was trying to save the "sinking ship". Matt listened to me talk about my prior relationship, voicing my fears and thoughts as I worked on healing myself. He didn't judge, he didn't push me away, and frankly, it didn't bother him as much if it meant that he got to spend time with me.
Little by little, Matt chipped away at my defenses that I had so carefully built against letting people in. All I wanted was to just meet someone new and get to know them, nothing super serious or complicated, try a path very different from the one I had originally started on. I kept telling my friends that I was just having fun for once in my life and that I didn't believe anything was going to go further than this...
and I was soooooo wrong. It's a funny thing, the paths that we choose to take. My initial path would have taken me out of NJ, away from everyone I loved and cared about...and I would have been so lonely. Sure, I could make new friends, but it doesn't mean much when you're always arguing with your spouse and indirectly and naively devising new ways to make each other miserable.
If I had listened to my friends, I would have seen the signs of falling in love sooner. The way I looked forward to our nightly conversations. The sleepovers with takeout and television. The sing-a-longs full of rich harmonies. The cuddling and affection that erased all bad days and made good ones better. The way Matt's eyes found mine in the room...and I could feel everyone else fade away.
I can't give all the credit to Matt. While yes, all of these things happened while with him and he made me want to be better, I wanted to be better for myself. I worked hard to pursue my life with passion and enthusiasm, to allow the pieces I hid away for so long to come back to the surface. I branched out, met new people as myself and stopped being so concerned about trying to fit it. If I was me and people liked me, that was the greatest reward.
So in a little over four months, I get to intertwine my path even further with Matt. And continue to live my life for me, but also for him. I'm sure the broken past me can feel confident in knowing that nothing is final....life will always find a way to get better.
Especially when that new path leads to love that changes your life.
Jenn's "New Path" Playlist:
1) How About You? - Judy Garland
2) Me and My Arrow - Harry Nilsson
3) Smart Girls - Weezer
4) To Be Young - Two Wounded Birds
5) Human Behavior - Bjork
~Jenny Rockstar
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