a lesson in perception....

I know I talk about him a lot but I can't help it.....

I love watching Matt perform.

There's something about watching him pick up his guitar or get behind a keyboard, and sing. He always has this little smile on his face, one that seems to be reserved for doing the thing that he loves the most. 

Tonight, as I watched him strumming a possible new song for yet another one of his music projects, I spent a moment just appreciating the moment. Determined, ambitious, and just completely in his element. 

For all the times that Matt works on a project, I sometimes feel like when I watch him play, it's for the first time all over again....and I fall in love all over again. His smile, his warmth, his way of just making you feel included. Those are only a few of the several reasons I love him. And especially tonight, watching him immerse himself in what he loves as much as me, I appreciate him more. 

I appreciate everything  he embodies, and I can't help but feel grateful that this man is going to be my husband. A man that when we initially started dating, I deluded myself into thinking that it wouldn't go anywhere, that it was just a chance to enjoy life and nothing more. How wrong I was to believe that, as Matt tore down every last defense I had, like it was nothing. With his smile, with his hugs and kisses, with his intelligent conversation, with his cooking, with his cuddles, with his laughter, with his sing-a-longs, and most importantly....with his love.

There are so many things I could say about Matt. Yet for now, I look over at him practicing another song and I can't help but feel grateful that he's the one I get to be with for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, it's just nice to watch and appreciate. 

~Jenny Rockstar

Blurring the lines of dichotomy....

Nowadays, I'm convinced that the notion of Good vs. Evil is not, nor will it ever be, as clear-cut as many of us think. Unless, you know, you count those shows they air on TruTV....some of those people are absolutely nuts.

But after mulling everything over today, I am reminded of how I have always tried to see the good in people, even in those who have proven to have a dark side. Call it crazy, call it naive, but I believe that in each of us, there is light...just as there is darkness. And in those who feel comfortable in the darkness, I am intrigued to learn even more about them. 

I refuse to let my past dictate how I feel about it. I've been burned and my scars run deeper than I show anyone, a rough childhood that gave way to some even rougher adulthood decisions. Yet here I stand, as strong and tall as one can be in the face of adversity....although I'm sure anyone who knows me now (and knows nothing of my past) would not correlate parts of my past with my present. 

But that was then and this is now....and I can't let the darkness dim my world. Instead, I make it a point to share my light with others. It's important to remember that even in the worst people, there are qualities that are inherently good as well. (And that even some of the best people have an ugliness to their soul.)

I can't lose faith in humanity and somehow, I feel I have forgotten that as of late, as I juggle work, wedding plans, family, trying to spend as much time with Matt as physically possible, finding time for friends, finding time for me, and anything that makes me feel "balanced" internally. I've lost my need to seek out that light and darkness, to understand life and the importance of learning anything and everything I can.  

I think now I've found my personal project for this year: to seek out the good in all walks of life....and to write about those moments. I'm tired of feeling bogged down by the negatives and allowing them to fill me with anger and frustration...like today. I'm better than this, because that dark path is not meant for me in the long-run. Sure, there will be times I walk down that path, but staying on that path for the rest of my life? Never.  

I'm not really a church-goer (anymore), nor am I an atheist. I merely believe in being a good person and surrounding myself with as many different types of individuals as I can. Keeps life interesting, as well as brings a new level of knowledge in my social life. (I can't help but be fascinated what my friends contribute to our life discussions.)

There's beauty in us all. There's meaning in that balance. And I, for one, want to try to make some sense of it. Otherwise, if I don't try to understand, am I really living? 

~ Jenny Rockstar

On the path to life discovery....

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with family. It's not always simple to just get together and hang out with them, but when we do get together, I always feel a strange sense of calm. Watching my cousins with their spouses and beautiful children, laughing and sharing stories that as an adult, I can now laugh and appreciate with them. 

I feel blessed to have been raised by the family that I have, each and every one of them leaving their imprint on my life. And even now, as Matt and I make our plans to bring our families together, I still feel blessed. 

Looking back on how my life has gone, I don't think I would change anything about it. Because if I did, where would I be? Would Matt and I have come together? Would I be happy? All I can do is focus on making my life what I want it to be now, rather than focus on all of the things that I could have done differently. 

For now, I'm itching to start a new project. One that I intend to finish, something to keep my mind calm and my heart open to all possibilities. I'm thinking a writing project is in order, yet I'm not sure as to what I can write about. So many thoughts and yet not enough time to organize all of those thoughts rattling around in my head. 

Maybe it's time I opened up to writing poetry again, really worked on a craft that used to just come so naturally to me, that each stanza felt like taking a deep breath. My words help to define me, I live by them and within them. How could I forget that when all else failed, aside from music, writing gave me the solace that I longed for. I could figure myself out in the careful deliberation over the delivery of a metaphor. 

For now, I'm going to take each day at a time getting myself back to that place....a little "life discovery" of sorts. Whatever it takes, I'm open to everything.  

Jenn's Life Discovery Soundtrack

1) Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
2) Crazy Train - Black Sabbath
3) Rockstar - A Great Big World
4) Fever - Black Keys
5) Body and Soul - Billie Holliday

~ Jenny Rockstar

Simplicity....

Sometimes, I tend to forget that while it's important to be helpful and be there for others, spending time on yourself is just as important.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of stressful, with more work than I know what to do with and a wedding to focus on. One good thing that has come out of this is Matt and I trying to spend as much time as possible focusing on the good of our relationship.......

and my need to immerse myself in new music and a new attitude.

So I have made time for me. Made time to clean my house and clear my head of all the "clutter" that's in there. I have made time to put on my headphones and zone out, or plug in my iPod to the surround sound while I clean and dance my way through the day.

I have brewed homemade iced green tea and baked to my heart's content. 

I have found the urge to write poetry again. 

I have just found myself again....as I always do when I need the clarity of life to come my way.

I have cuddled and laughed and shared my endearing sentiments....and in this my heart has felt at peace.

I've even planned a little fun for myself this summer with good friends and a sense of adventure to geek out a little bit at Philadelphia Comic Con.

I have found solace in simplicity....and that in itself is the adventure. Adventures don't need to be grand and lavish, they just need to make you feel like you're learning more about yourself and the kind of person you aspire to be.

And for that, a little mini-playlist of what's been in constant play on my list:

1) Emily Kinney - Just Pretend
2) Passenger - Scare Away The Dark
3) The Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
4) Weezer - Beverly Hills
5) Radiohead - Let Down
6) A Great Big World - Rockstar

~ Jenny Rockstar

What it takes....

In the midst of wedding planning, I have been thinking about those who have married before us...and the ones to come...and what it all means. 

When I think about marriage, it's not all about the day or what's to come...it's the journey.

Roughly six months into our relationship, Matt asked me to move in with him. And while I was scared, I'm glad I took that risk. Sharing your space with someone else and learning how to work together became what cemented our bond.

And it got me thinking today about marriage....and how it's not the biggest step one can take.

Sure, it's a rather large step to make a commitment to someone by law, but personally....making the decision to live with your significant other requires a little bit more.

When you're with someone and you don't live together, there's space and the ability to avoid the hard conversations. But the thing is, when you do live together and those hard conversations come up, you learn to work through them. And in that, your relationship with that person changes in a way that strengthens the bond.

Through 6+ years, I feel more settled than I have with anyone else in my life. Matt and I still argue and disagree on things, but we work through it all. We laugh, cry, fight, share, cook, sing, dance, cuddle, dream, talk, smile, walk, and love....together.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's more than just hanging out. It's everything. It starts before you walk down the aisle, before you decide to share a last name. It starts with living together, being around one another all the time and still deciding that this is what you want. It's more than sex, it's more about emotional intimacy and less physical. 

It's everything you find that you have needed and even secretly wanted. 

When it comes down to it, this journey has been an amazing one. I can't wait to see what happens beyond the paper, beyond the flash and sparkle. I'm ready for continuing this story and writing all the new chapters along the way. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Calming the creative monster....

I have been experiencing a creative conundrum of sorts....

in the sense that I feel like I am crawling out of my skin not expressing myself creatively as of late.

Just the mere thought of downloading new songs sends my brain into an overload like any other. Picking up my camera the greatest high one can achieve. And even sitting here, pouring my thoughts out onto my little blog brings me solace more than a glass of wine and a good movie. (A good vinyl might just trump it.)

Life has thrown me so many curveballs as of late that I'm almost unsure of how to proceed from here. How do I find balance when time is so scarce as of late?

But I must press on. I must continue being who I am. I can't lose myself in the banality of every day existence. I won't let it happen. I'm more than just my job. My real career is being artistic and creative...and not being afraid to express that as much as possible.

With that said, I think I need a photography excursion soon. I am itching for it, just dying to get my camera strap wrapped around my wrist and explore for a while. To crouch down in the grass and capture the perfect shot. For so long, being behind a camera allowed me to heal and continue to experience life (and share it with those around me.) After a while I stopped being afraid of getting back in front of the camera. And now? I want to experience that rush again, the one where being behind the lens gave me the courage to share what was deep in my soul.

And as of late, to keep myself, I think I need to go back to that. To have my headphones at the ready, my camera on my hip, and the surroundings of a city abuzz with life to breathe in. I need something and I don't care how I get it. 

All I know is that if I don't....I'll never satisfy the itch. 

~ Jenny Rockstar

Knowledge is some powerful stuff....

As I sat here going through old pictures I had left on my Canon Rebel (and finding pure solace in Lightroom and a possible NYC excursion soon), I couldn't help but think how much I've changed over the past six years. While I still have my moments where I can be irresponsible or just need to let loose, I feel more grounded and clear than I have in a long time. 

I've learned that it's okay to stay in on a weekend, by myself, and enjoy the quiet of my home. When Matt cannot be here, I miss him but I cherish these moments with my thoughts.

I've learned that alcohol is not always necessary. It's not always about partying or needing something to take the edge off. Even in college, just the mere thought of music studio time during finals brought me that rush that I needed. Sometimes just being behind a camera or having my head buried in a good book (or my notebook) brings a better high than a shot of Fireball.

I've learned that the world is full of toxic people, and it's okay that they are who they are, but that doesn't mean that they need to be in my life. Sometimes, walking away is the only answer, because continuing to just live with it is not good enough. 

I've learned that even when you don't believe it, love will find you again. And when it's right, you finally understand what all of those love songs talk about. (And that the idea of marriage can become exciting again.)

I've learned in that love that it's Matt or it's nobody. And anyone that came before was only there to teach me what I do (and don't) want in a relationship. (And that I won't settle for less than I am worth. Never again.)

I've learned that I'm braver and stronger than I even realize. I've weathered some rough storms, but I'm still here. Even when I felt ready to give up on myself, I kept pushing through for reasons I'm not even sure of. 

I've learned to be myself in a world where people try to change you because you don't fit their mold. I am who I want to be and even thinking for a second that attempting to correct that is necessary....is dumb.

I've learned that the real adventure in life is just living. It doesn't need to be anything extreme, but rather just grabbing the reins and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've learned that happiness is something that is not just for everyone else...it's for me too. And I need to make myself happy before others at times.  

I've learned that sometimes that taking a step back and into the background is healthy. Being the center of attention all the time can be exhausting. 

I've learned to laugh more, share emotions, indulge in the simple moments, cook more, cuddle more, read more, learn more, and simply just....be. 

But for now, time for me to start picking up the things that make me happy again. 

Time for new adventures.

~ Jenny Rockstar

Perspectively Confused

Lately, I've been finding myself searching for perspective.

With wedding plans underway, working as much as I possibly can (and still continuing to find more work to do to keep busy), and attempting to squeeze in as much fun and job as I can, I realize that maybe I'm going about life the wrong way.

While I do love to work hard, I'm in dire need of a break from everything. A break from life. Sure, I find that break in moments like cleaning my house and drawing a nice, hot bubble bath, but maybe a few days couldn't hurt. A chance to recharge and regroup.

Because lately, I've felt I don't have control of my life. And that's a tough pill to swallow. I need a chance to breathe for a few days. A chance to wake up and not have responsibility or worry. A chance to spend some time with Matt that doesn't require a serious discussion (even though we do still have lots of fun ones as well!)

Just a chance to get myself back onto level ground before I attempt to keep pushing myself. 

I know this stress won't last forever and in time, things will ease up and be better. But for now, I'm just finding it difficult to see the silver lining. 

Maybe in the interim, I should write more. Not for others, but for me. I feel like I've lost that integral part of who I am, that ability to sit and pour my heart out into a notebook...or a laptop. 

I need to stop saying I am going to write and just write. Otherwise, what else do I have to look forward to?

Well, of course the wedding, but for me....what's in this life for me?

Guess I need to start figuring that out.

~ Jenn

So take me home...

Matt reminded me today that because of the moments we have shared and all the fun we have had there, Atlantic City truly is one of "our" places. And I would have to agree with that statement.

I can recall many wonderful moments when we had the chance to book a room for the night when Matt had shows at either that particular casino or a neighboring one. And like the many times before, we'd enjoy some drinks and laughter with our friends, a few hilarious moments at the tables or pool, or the best conversations/random bits of hilarity back in the room. And just like every AC trip ends, Matt has partied the hardest and I'm driving us home while he sleeps in the passenger seat. 

On the way home today, it got me thinking about how lucky I am to live in a state where one minute I could be at home, the next head out to the beach, take a train into the city one day and head down to the casino another time. And if I truly wanted to see horses, I could drive 5 minutes down the road. 

New Jersey is home to me and I am fiercely protective of those who choose to share with me how much they think it smells, or that they pay to go on the beach, or that there's so much traffic, or that it's a wasteland. (Frankly, if all you can say is that it smells, then obviously you haven't been beyond the Turnpike around Newark Airport.) 

While driving today, with my iTunes playlist blaring some Beach House and the sun out in all its glory, I took in my surroundings. On the way to the Parkway from Atlantic City, there was nothing but miles of glimmering water breaking against the rocks, sandy shores, and blue skies. And I felt calm, knowing that all I needed was with me right at that moment. The calming waters, my love blissfully asleep in the passenger seat, and the road ahead of me. I felt at home.

I've heard many interpretations, but in my opinion home is more than just a person or a place where you're understood. 

Home is a place that is filled with a healthy balance of normalcy and crazy, a place to be with your thoughts. 

Home is Matt, my friends and family. 

Home is my notebook or a piano. 

Home is a fire in the backyard, coupled with a glass of wine and chirping birds. 

Home is one of Matt's shows, where I can dance and let loose. 

Home is a New Girl marathon and take-out sushi on a night by myself.

Home is talking to an old friend and catching up.

Home is being sad and feeling lost every once in a while.

Home is the excitement of being on a train to NYC and being dwarfed by all the skyscrapers.

Home is the excitement of knowing that I'm heading home to Matt.

Home is being surrounded by children.

Home is the first jump into a swimming pool to commemorate summer.

Home is riding a bicycle downhill, letting the wind whip my hair around.

Home is New Jersey, where I can be sitting at a diner at 2:00 am with friends laughing my ass off about the most random things...or watching the sunrise with Matt on the beach in Spring Lake. 

Home....is my life. 

And it's priceless.

~ Jenny Rockstar

What the world needs now is love....among other things

When I heard of the tragedy in Boston, I couldn't help but have a brief flashback to my freshman year of college and hearing about the Twin Towers. Two completely different moments of American vulnerability, but still sad.

I thought of people I knew running in the marathon and how scared they must be.

I thought of my family members who could have potentially been in Boston today.

I thought of my friends who live there.

I thought of the families/friends/fans who witnessed the event and what was going through their mind amid the chaos. 

And the mere thought that people still don't know how to live with one another without malice and hate...that's what upsets me the most. At work, I held back tears and pushed through the remainder of the day. On my way home, Matt & I discussed the potential new war that would be created if this were started by another country. (Frankly, I'm sick of war...when does it end?) And the minute that I walked through my front door, I couldn't wait to hug Matt and sit down to a delicious dinner with him so we could share our day.

Most of the time, we forget to appreciate those simple moments. Yes, I could dwell on what happened and just live in that sadness, but I don't want to. I will keep those in Boston in my thoughts and hope that those who have the chance to recover from this can. (And for those who gave their lives...I offer condolences to their families and hope they find peace.) 

Instead of dwelling, I went for a bike ride with Matt on our brand-new beach cruisers. (Matt's bike is mint green and blue, while mine is this sunny yellow. Very fitting for our bright personalities.) And in our brief 15-minute ride around the park just to test out our cool purchases, I couldn't help but genuinely smile, let my hair down and live in that moment with child-like wonder. Every little stress melting away as I rode carefree on the sidewalk, squealing with laughter at each dip and rise. There was even a moment where Matt & I rode side-by-side, beginning to understand which streets would be better for casual biking. A small moment, yes...yet meaningful in a way that was needed today. 

Tonight, most of us will be glued to our television sets to find out any updates we can. But with it, don't forget that it shouldn't be moments of tragedy that make you understand the importance of living life for the simple things. It should help you appreciate those simple moments even more, live those simple moments a little more, do anything to make time for those simple moments. You never know what's going to happen. 

Instead of focusing on our political leaders or dedicating time to sharing opinions on things that frankly just don't matter, spend time on people and things that will matter. (Because let's face it, we won't all completely agree on everything and it's dumb to think we will. Besides, our differences are what make us great! And no matter who is in office or leading the state or country, we'll be screwed anyway. No need to reiterate the obvious.)

There's enough hatred in the world...I'm ready to start taking away its power as much as I can with love, positivity and hope. 

Who's with me?

~Jenny Rockstar